Happy Birthday USA!

I just shot this a few minutes ago and loved it of Haven Baby! She loves watermelon!

We love the United States of America ~We have so much to be grateful for in regards to our nation!

Happy Freedom Day! Happy Birthday USA!

If the video doesn't work here just go up and click on "vidoes" up by resolved2worship top right.

I had some time this afternoon to get some of the videos on my camera off and onto computer today to make some dvds and came across some clips of the boys practicing and singing and just compiled them together for them here. The songs are "Forever Reign" by Hillsong and "Always Forever" by Phil Wickham. Quality isn't the best here, sorry! In some of the clips they are more serious and others just goofy! Love to hear them praise!

A. Ann

Good Morning. . .

There is a beautiful mist or clouds or something cool over the hills this morning and I cannot put into words how much I am reminded this morning that God is Bigger than anything you may be facing - any problems that you may have created yourself, or trials, relationships that are haunting or troublesome. He hasn't fallen off His throne. He knew we would carry burdens that is why He tells us, "Cast them on Him."

What a perfect love - to want us to cast them all on Him - because He can carry them. . . because He is bigger than our burdens; way, way bigger.

Life has been full and I am so grateful to God that He does not leave me alone. But spurs me on to freedom, continual - challenging my endless concerns and worries, or past and present circumstances and delighting in giving me a future of hope and promise. Do you want it? Do you want freedom in your spirit? To trust and rest in Him?

I do. I want to be lost in His freedom. My God is not dead, He is surely alive and I know He came to set the captives free - of which I was one.

He opens up eyes. He does marvelous things.

~

Robert and I were out on a date this past weekend and we were talking about how we met, how we got together 15-16 years ago now. There was a whole lot of yuck that surrounds our beginnings and in fact the first ten years of our marriage was shadowed by some very destructive people, beliefs, habits, immaturities, and idolatrous expectations. Without either set of parents, Robert and I would have never on our own chosen each other. Neither of us were what the other had been groomed to want and desire. And due to an wrong understanding for both of us of what it meant to live a sacrificial life, or to "obey God," or "honor parents desires/and or leading" we said, "I do." 

We hold the responsibility for our decisions we made, our hearts, and the false things we believed. The red flags and cautions we ignored. The idolatry in our hearts towards our parents and ourselves and certain ideas.

We have found freedom when we stop pointing fingers and say, "God, forgive me! Forgive us! Where can I change? Where can I humble myself and make my heart right before you? God, what decisions in the past did I make out of being controlled and influenced by fear where I made someone else on the throne of my heart over God?" 

OH, the GREAT wonder of our loving Father. He can and will use our own sin, sinful relationships, sinful people, the world full of sin (yes, sin shrouded in religion as well, which is the stickiest of all) to fulfill His purposes and plans. He can work for good what seems impossible to be redeemed. 

He is that big. He is that great.

And we can find freedom in asking His forgiveness - for in His goodness, He has forgiven! 

~

I'm not sure with all I could write during this short little pocket of time I have this morning - I am led to write this. . . God knows. The month of June has given me plenty of things I could be writing on. 

I rejoice this morning though in God's redemptive power that I do not deserve. We didn't do anything right at the start to have a loving marriage relationship today. We found Him when we fell apart. We found Him when we had nothing to bring but empty hands and nothing to prove. Our heartache has brought us to Jesus. 

How can we come to the end of ourselves if we believe ourself is doing it right?

How can we come to the end of ourselves if we are not willing to repent?

How can we come to the end of ourselves if we are blaming others?

The reason to me that God is so, so, so GOOD is that in a world that seems impossible - HE IS THE ONE HOPE. The ONE voice that is a Banner of Love.

~

My life is Your's, God. The only way I can bring Your love to the world is if I understand how undeserving I am of that love - yet at the same time do not dwell on that undeserving-ness but dwell on the amazingness of how it is the underserving like me You came to save!

If we are raising children in isolated little homes where their little life is all protected and we direct their every move, relationships, life to ensure they have no pain. . .

We will never touch the world. They will never touch the world. And we wonder why - we wonder why when pain hits we question God, or our children when they are grown question God?

Because comfort, lack of suffering is god. The idol is self-love. Self emotional preservation. We don't understand this world isn't our home and wasn't meant to be. We don't understand suffering, sin, or our own hearts. Or the heart of God.

Praise God we don't have to remain there! That is why the cross! That is why He says, "Cast your burdens!" Because we will have them, we may even bring them upon ourselves. . . burdens will not be avoided if you are His child -- if there is not storms in your little world, you can never understand the goodness of sunshine and His Son will not shine through you.

 ~

I embrace this day in the radiance of the bigness of God! I embrace it knowing He is bigger than my own little world. He loves me! He loves my husband and my children and I see that through how He uses the endless testings to bring us to the end of ourselves and into His loving arms that are gloriously capable of carrying ALL burdens.

Place them there today. Walk in that freedom. Float. Joy! - where in I find grace to give to these children all around me.

Robert and I are not the same people we were when we met - not one tiny little bit. We aren't the same people we were five years ago. We aren't the same people we were one year ago. And grateful to God's goodness, even just after the month of June now passed and what God is doing, we are not the same people we were just a month ago. He has rescued and is rescuing. To think that one day, I will be made whole - to be like Him, scars removed and I will see Him face to face.

I know it will just me standing before my Maker - it won't be me and my children, not me and my husband. Just me and God.

Part of me wants to be there standing hand in hand with Robert though because we want to see His face and thank Him as a couple. We feel one. To give Him all the glory and honor due Him for His great mercy He is pouring out.

~

Haven is growing up way too fast this summer!

Two bottom teeth and taking baby steps all alone - how does it happen so fast?

Robert and I refer to her as our "bonus baby." 

 One afternoon on the creek . . .

After playing with the boys for a bit Morgan joined me on the blanket and we created flower bouquets and leaf garlands. We floated the bouquets down the creek before leaving that day.

June had some delightful weddings to attend which had us both day dreaming about ideas we would do if a bride was to marry at our creek spot. 

One beautiful evening with the children over this past weekend. . .

 I hope to post June times soon. Scott turned 14! And we had some special family times I don't want to forget.

A. Ann 

Sustainer. {and just life, verses, birthdays...}

I shot a wedding over the weekend. I had said no to weddings this year and then after the first 13 I was asked to shoot, in seriously probably the first few months of this year, I wondered if I should have picked this year to say no to outside work after all! Seems everyone is getting married and that's exciting!

No, I'm sure this was the year to not do outside work. My hands are completely full. Running over full!

But a sweet cousin of mine married this past weekend and last minute I said yes. I really wanted to be able to help her out. Shelton was my right hand man for the job. So great having him along! He has a super artistic eye.

So I got home 'round midnight last night. Drove through a horrid rain storm. If you've shot a wedding you know what kind of exhaustion I'm talking about. The type where your feet ache, legs are about to fall off, brain is dead and eyelids feel like they are one continuous camera shutter. Your knees feel broken and you can't remember your name. I crashed after nursing the baby for an hour - think I crawled into bed 'bout 1am. I could hardly move.

The night was short and children were up and needy for mommy around seven, or earlier. Everyone was loaded up and out the door by 8:45 for older boys to be dropped off at football camp at the highschool. Before we left though I had just gotten all the little girls dressed all sweet and I'd moved to the laundry room to put in another load. . . the little girls had gone outside. I'd forgotten all about the bowl of side walk chalk left out. Someone got the idea that it would be cool to make the chalk into powder. And sprinkle it, and smear it, all over their clean little selves.

Yep, all had to be hosed down and redressed (four kids included in that mess). And no, I didn't come out the door seeing them all covered like that with, "Well, aren't y'all cute!" I was more like, "Oh-my-word-what-in-the-world!"

So, from football it was a few errands and then to swim lessons for the four who had gotten into the chalk.

Robert did something beyond amazing today. He hired a cleaning lady.

I felt sorry for her. Our home with me away over the weekend? Are you kidding me?

I was driving home from swim to pick up a gymnastic suit for Brighton before heading to the next event and it dawned on me I was coming home to a clean house and I just couldn't help myself from screaming outloud as I drove, "Ahh! Thank You, God, for the cleaning lady coming today! Ahh! Help is awesome! I love you Robert!" Yea, I was a bit giddy.

Then to Brighton's first gymnastics class - to which we were nearly 20 minutes late for, but nevertheless, what was left of it she was thrilled about. She is tiny and she is flexible so we thought we'd give it a go this summer and see if it's her thing. The hardest part apart her gym lesson was watching Lakelyn. She felt extremely left out of the deal and I spent the 40 minutes I was there keeping her from crawling over the dividing wall between the watching area and the activity area repeating the same answer to her question, "I know you had a birthday, Baby, but you still have to wait another year or so before you can go to class with Brighton."

Well, that and running her back and forth to the restroom because she still doesn't quite get this potty stuff down yet.

From gym it was back home to put away ALREADY FOLDED laundry. Thank you, cleaning lady. Then we loaded back up again to take Shelton to meet up with a friend to travel to wide receiver camp for the evening. On the way the car broke down on the highway just as I was about to exit. Not in a cool place either. That whole ordeal lasted quite a while. I was able to get the car into a parking lot, run to an ATM and get the money for Shelton to take, get him to his ride -- car still stranded, grateful for a son who is 14 this week and is more responsible then most 20 year olds or I would have never made it out of that mess! 

We had to get Bub and Morgan to summer workout camp up at another field by 6:30 though and now I was without a car and no way to reach Robert (he and Christian were working a job where he couldn't carry his phone today) so I did what I hate to do (because I'm far too independent) but so glad I can do in time of need. . . and called my parents. Long story short, I was able to get mom's car, drop mom back off at her place, and then head out for the sports field and got there just in time for the kids to start their workout.

I spent the evening on the field trying to keep up with three energetic little girls. I was sat on, scratched on, hair pulled, clothing scrunched all over me - you moms know what I'm talking about.

Ever get to the end of your day and you feel like you've been pretty much torn apart? Not because the little ones mean to but they are just all over you all the time and you have milk and water bottles spilled on you, poop and who knows what else here and there, hair matted, flip-flops broken, no make-up on - um, did my hair or teeth get brushed?

Little hands always grabbing and needing and wanting and squeezing and pulling and hugging and smooching and smearing and tearing and ripping and sitting and standing, and climbing all over you? Multiply that by several at the same time?

Smile.

Tonight I sit here alone and just writing those lines I can feel it again, as if they are still on me. . . because I am just so use to it. I get to the end of my day with bruises and scratches and don't have a clue when and how they happened. I love them and I love it, this time like this - but I'm human of course and there are times where I just grit it out, bare down, fight through, swallow that scream I'd like to yell when my last hairs feel like they've been pulled from my head and every single scale of skin has been pulled at or stretched or scratched.

Haha, I feel used! -- as a jungle gym, feed machine, and you name it.

Home by 8:30 tonight, a near empty frig to come up with dinner from, tired kids, tired husband. . .

But a clean house.

Wow.

And I ache all over. My eye is still fluttering strangely after shooting 4000 pics over the weekend. I am in denial just now about all the time I do not have to edit those 4000 pictures and reminded why I do not do wedding anymore.

Everyone is fed and showered. Morgan accidently swallowed some shampoo when washing her hair and has been pretty upset about the taste all night long. I've tried just about everything in the kitchen to try to get the taste out of her mouth. Lots of water and teeth brushing and mouth wash even. Baby of course had to be fed before putting down. Shelton came home late with tales of wide receiving. Scott worked hard this evening on his business card design. He repeatedly asks me to come do an "artistic edit," as he calls it. Christian got cleaned up after a long hard days work with Robert. Lakelyn tried on lots of high heels tonight and Brighton was into combing her hair.

Yep, even at the table there was a comb. I noticed it . . . and other stuff too that so shouldn't be on the table.

I know, some might not understand this, and even just a few years ago, a few kids ago, I might not have understood it either - but things that use to be a big deal just aren't anymore. You just live life differently when you have a big family. Or at least we do. Life around here has less rules then it use to. Things get simpler in that way. You pick your battles. There are so many battles all around me that in the super long list of the battles that must be fought, I kind of see combs at the table somewhere nowhere near the top of the list.

And I fixed French Toast from sour dough bread - dipped in fresh hen eggs (so kindly given) blended with raw cows milk (that Robert has taken a liking too and picks up on his way out of town). With the left over eggs I made omelets: tomatoes, cheese and peppers folded with this yummy garlic seasoning stuff that I just pulled from the shelf and splattered all over. We had fruit topping and honey on our Fresh toast.  Sounds great just now, but I can't remember eating very much.

We had togetherness and craziness. It is so loud at meal time. I'm pretty sure my average sit down time at supper meal is 3 minutes.

Robert comes in after a long day - nothing like my kind of day, but nevertheless, long, hard work day. We both physically put out so much and when we finally see each other at the end of the day we fall into each others arms, usually standing out in the middle of the drive way because as soon as I see his truck coming I go out the front door as quietly as I can get out so that I am the first one to get to him. . . and we just hold there kind of leaning on each other to give the balance in the middle to make us both still stay standing. We're both dirty and smelly and tired. But full of gratefulness; of hope.

Typically it doesn't take long for kids to join in, and then pulling and calling they want daddy to see this or to hear that. We work together to make things happen, for meals to happen, for life to happen. . . for love to happen.

For this home to be a place where we all long to be.

~
I should be in bed, and that's where I am going. I can only hear the crickets outside now. I will fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.

How thankful I am for that pillow, the clean sheets, the bed, the AC on, for a husband who did half the dishes tonight at the sink before helping Shelton get in tonight.

I hurt all over and I am only 34 and I could have never imagined in a million years I would be living the life I am today.

There could be no way in the world to describe my days. Not for real. My life. No writing would really explain, at least not my limited skill at writing. There is a part of my day though that I cannot leave out because it's really all that I remember the most at the end of the day and that's this:

My day, from the first waking breath until now, one minute from midnight ~ it cannot be survived in peace or joy or surrender, or for that matter, the grit needed to fight in order to get things accomplished ~ without a constant Companion whom I can continually and always call out to for guidance, strength, help, and comfort.

In my early feeding of the baby this morning I read the following:

"...Who is a God like You, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of His inheritance? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us. . .You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. . ." Micah 7:18-20

With this kind of promise to start my day I can go forth knowing that God - GOD, WHO DELIGHTS IN STEADFAST LOVE - will see me through to the end. A God who pardons my sin, He will give me grace to live this day for Him. In every circumstance, whether it be chalk covered kids seconds before needing to leave, whether it be broken down car right before I need to be somewhere, whether it be dirty diapers and kids hanging all over me in 100 degree heat hours on end, whether it be 9pm supper. . . I can take this fallen and broken world full of it's suffering (whether it be big or small) and carry those burdens to Him.

He is my Sustainer. In my neediness I come and I find refuge in Him. . .

And excitement for the next day to begin!

~

Our May baby girls! Oh, they sure keep me on my toes right now but I love them like crazy!

Here is Brighton waiting and watching for Robert to come home that evening for us to go on her birthday date!

She is wearing magnet earrings on her ears because she wanted to get her ears pierced on her 5th birthday that night out with us. . .

I thought this might allow her to see if it was something she really wanted or was it just because Morgan had earrings?

She assured me she was quite sure she was ready to take care of her ears and earrings now that she was 5. She has done marvelously.

He arrives!

Itty and me on her birthday ~

My absolute miracle baby! This verse comes to mind when I think of her pregnancy and birth:

“I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

Fear of man, fear of death, fear of loss. Fear of not knowing and not controlling.

Brighton loves all things beautiful! It was important to her what I wore on her birthday date. I found 

this pretty special actually. She went to my closet and wanted to pick out the shoes and outfit I was to wear on her date out with 

us. She picked the fancy feather shoes that Robert got me for Valentines. They are really way to pretty of a shoe for my feet.

Her choice of activity was to get her ears pierced and shop.

She loves all things girly and feminine. Love it!

What a wonderful shopping daddy that night of her birthday! (so patient!) She selected the Cheese Cake Factory for her 

place of dinner. Her stomach wasn't nearly as big as her eyes that night.

Brighton claims these girls as her "bestest friends."

I always like for the birthday shoot to be radiant of who they are. These little red ballet slippers where

the gift I bought for her for her birthday. They reminded me of her so much. She adores them.

One Sunday afternoon in May I took Brighton out for just an hour and we had fun shooting these pictures at a farm nearby.

This little dress is one she picked off the sales rack at Target last year. I added some trim from my 

sewing box to give it a little more fun. The lighting in the well house middle afternoon was so warm and pretty.

Love this little dress too - a Hannahkate pattern and fabric. It's reversible and she loves wearing these jumpers all the time.

This little outfit was a steal of a deal at Burlington Coat Factory for I think just a little over $5.

Add the sash and again Target's shoe sale last Feb. ($2.99!) and an old lunch box and a pretty cool well house. . .

This laid back feel in these pics is so her.

And this is the yellow dress. On her birthday date this is the gift she picked out during our shopping time.

She is very proud of her yellow dress.

She is quiet, contented, deep, extremely sensitive to spiritual things. She loves to love. And please. She loves to hug and kiss and be close.

She sees beauty in everything. She's like a little bird, or a flower, or sunshine - or blue sky or the ocean. She is a constant reminder to me of God's 

compassion and mercy. . . and unconditional love.

Lastly, a blue dress that was her cousin Tiffany's and then passed to Morgan and now hers. I love her sun blotched skin.

She thought these pictures were pretty much the best dress up party ever. Just for her.

 And Lake! THREE! Hard to believe.

If you've read the blog long enough you know she was our anniversary baby girl - born on our 12th anniversary.

When she was born Robert and I decided from that day on we would celebrate her birthday May 31st and celebrate our anniversary at a different time.

Here she waits in our room by the window waiting for daddy to arrive so we can go on her special date together!

And off we go! We kept asking her what she wanted to do on her special date with us and she replied over and over:

"I want to go to Papa and Alma's! ! !" (my parents)

So we did just that. We drove her over there and she was happy! She loves it there so much. 

She swung on the swings, talked with my mom, ate a lollipop, and walked round and round.

I love that the simplest things make her smile. She is very easy to please.

Then we took her out to eat and for ice cream. She talked our heads off the whole night long.

See the bag she is carrying? She carried it everywhere we took her that night. Inside was 6 pairs of underwear, ballet shoes,

and three pairs of plastic high heels. She interchanged the shoes all night long.

She picked out a little Tinker Bell toy at Walmart as her gift.

It was sometime first week of June I think before I took some shots of her for birthday #3.

She is my very most dressy-up girl of them all so far. If I let her she would change clothes

at least 100 times a day. Sometimes I do let her because it just makes her so happy. . .

And keeps her from flushing the tooth brushes down the toilet or some other random toddler enjoyment.

Here she is with a hat my grandmother sent my way recently, a little white dress I made for Morgan when 

she was a baby and a brown dress I can't remember where in the world it came from. She is a brownie. She has amazing skin.

The blue dress is one of her favs, a use-to-be Brighton dress - the antlers she picked up out of the barn and promptly stuck on her head.

My girls have all had a slow start at the hair growing thing just like I did when I was little. Lake is happy her's is finally "long like Morgan's!"

I love these two shots above - she is one of our kiddos that depending on the second, at one moment I see so much of her

daddy in her, and then the very next, I see me.

She has no fear. She loves people, all people, all the time. She laughs loud, talks loud, lives loud. Everything is passionate, conviction, fun.

She is wild and free, imaginative. She's an explorer, hungry for friendships - and parties! She quotes her Bible verses with gusto and sings

like there's no tomorrow. She is like chocolate, and mountain tops, and adventure. She makes me laugh - so she's like a good medicine.

And she is a face maker! ! ! drama queen to the max.

(She is my exercise many days too! She is amazingly exhausting!)

It was Lake's idea that they "fly together." Weight lifting is just part of a momma's job description?

 ~

And I want to end with some awesome encouragement! And Praise to God for 15 years of marriage. . .

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

Rest in Christ and not the laws of man.

“Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of the disciples a yoke that neither we nor our fathers have been able to bear?” Acts 15:10

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us.” 2 Corinthians 1:10

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free.” Psalm 118:5

“Since the children [are human], He too shared in their humanity so that by His death He might destroy Him who holds the power of death– that is, the devil — and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.” Hebrews 2:14-15

“For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance– now that He has died as a ransom to set them free…” Hebrews 9:15

“But the Scripture imprisoned everything under sin, so that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe.” Galatians 3:22

“The Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials.” 2 Peter 2:9

“Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” But you are a shield around me, O LORD…From the LORD comes deliverance. Psalm 3:2-3, 8

“When they cry out to the LORD because of their oppressors He will send them a Savior and Defender, and He will rescue them.” Isaiah 19:20

~

“But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” Romans 6:17-18

“Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.” Psalm 50:15

“But for you who revere My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.” Malachi 4:2

“Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Galatians 1:3-5

And these verses have guided, freed and given us hope! They have sustained us through our marriage, particularly the last five years - when these verses have become more to us then just mere knowledge in our head, but God has allowed circumstances - where which they have been driven deeper into our hearts and set our hearts afire to live out these verses, understand them, and give them to others.

In celebration of our 15th anniversary ~ at the lake on a date, last week of May:

A. Ann

{all photography copyright resolved2worship and may only be used with permission. Thanks}

Summer Bliss.

Amidst the crazy, there are always moments of bliss. I love those moments. I make myself remember them, keep them close to my heart.

To all the moms out there ~

Keep on. Love them deeply, yet keep contented in your heart that He alone can fulfill emptiness. . . motherhood is grand, demanding as it may be. There is bliss to be found all over the place no matter how taxing your responsibilities are. You may feel like you can't do it - probably because like me, you really can't. But He can. Let our neediness draw us into Him and may we cling there. Coming to realize that all the while, though we may feel we hardly hang on, He has been holding us dear, tight, loving us - wanting to pour love through us onto the children He has given.

We are missionaries. In my opinion, the greatest kind.

Bike ride with the kids ~ baby naps, love how she is holding onto the handle bar with one hand.

Early morning walk with Lake.

1 Chronicles 16:11  

"Seek the LORD and His strength;  seek His presence continually!"

A. Ann

Unity vs. Uniformity?

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy 

But I don't have love, I'm nothing but a creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's word with power, revealing His mysteries

And making everything plain as day

And if I say to a mountain jump and it jumps

But I don't love, I'm nothing.

If I give all I own to the poor

Or if I even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr

But I don't have love, I've gotten nowhere.

So,

No matter what we say, no matter what we believe, no matter what we do. . .

We're bankrupt without love." (1 Cor. 13 - song: "The Proof of Your love.")

~

The three older boys are working hard this summer mowing lawns and odd jobs for whoever will let them. The little girls are busy coloring here at the table and I'm going to take this chance. I don't expect it will last long and so here goes. . . to write. 

I find hope somehow in writing during this time in my life - hope, because days and nights mesh all together and all the snippets of God speaking get scrambled and I wonder, "I'm I moving forward or just staying still?" 

And then it all kind of starts making sense as I write and I see what God is teaching me more clearly and I am challenged to LIVE what I know and not just collect it as knowledge that I am accountable to do something with -- but don't.

This past month it has become very clear to me that I need healing. That sounds kinda weird and pretty weak to type but I think recognizing my need is the first step to doing something about it. I've known it, known that there was emotional healing that needed to take place, but going about making it happen -- the time needed for that to take place? The extra energy?

How to? How to find that time, how to make the tears come that I know I needed to get out.

I'm not an emotional person, I'm not a crier. I'm not proud of that, it's just fact. I don't cry in movies, sad times, even when I wish I could shed a tear of compassion for another. I feel it on the inside but it seems to just remain bottled up there. Or just disappear. 

I'm not sure if I was born that way or evolved into stoic-ness over time. Maybe I attached some sort of weakness to tears without realizing it. Truth is I just haven't seen purpose in them. More than that, I couldn't make them come even if I wanted the tears to fall.

I know, Jesus wept.

I've even asked God, "Help me weep. I need the release." I'm sure there have been times where others needed me to weep with them too, but I couldn't. About the only time I seemed to get close to dealing with this sort of emotion was in worship or with a song that just hit me right at my heart in the middle of the chaos around me. Typically while driving with the radio on. Bad time to get blurry eyed and so I quickly deal with those tears. 

Somehow shove them back in.

Not that I want to develop into a basket case, but rather I am beginning to think that there could be something healing - something for me that is needed - in tears. Maybe even a flood of them. Though frequent tears might be better than a sudden dam breaking.

This past month God was gracious to allow partial cracks in the dam through some surprising contacts in my life. He uses the unexpected sometimes and all I can say is that I am very grateful. It revealed to me my further need for healing from past relationships in my life that have been complex.

That was a nice word to use: "complex." 

Anyway. . .

Forgiveness had taken place in my heart, but I wrestled still with what God was calling me to do to be the proof of His love in my life . . . how do you show love in relationships where they don't feel loved unless you do things the way they want? How do you love in relationships where uniformity is the basis of what they feel is love and unity is based on that uniformity?

This past month God has made it clearer to me then ever before. What I felt as freedom in the past few years has developed into further freedom in my spirit, and confidence in the path He has led.

I have given in all too often to thinking what others think I should do or how I should act in certain situations is what I am to follow. I was reminded this past month that christianity is not a spectator sport. Nope, that is not the intent of christianity and it goes both ways - I'm not to be a spectator and I should not live shamed by other spectators.

It's basic, but excitingly I was shown once again that my life is in Him, what He says, how He views me.

Seems that is what this blog all began with and it is somewhat of a broken record by now. But that's okay. Maybe it's my theme. Maybe my whole life long I will fight to make Him my life. Everyday, starting again, making that decision to follow Him. I am content to take on that battle. I hope I never give up that fight. I'm sure if I ever think I've arrived then I have lost the battle all together. Losing sight of my need for Him would be my loss.

I find hope that the battle that I fight I've not given up fighting. Forgiveness and love are not defined by the ones demanding that I give it, they are defined by God's Word - and the Holy Spirit really is capable of guiding and leading and directing. . . freeing. Full healing for me has taken longer I think than maybe what it could have been and I believe it is because I have allowed others dictate to me what healing looks like.

This might not make a bit of sense to anyone who reads this but it makes sense to me. I'm encouraged with where God has led this past month. Wrestling is good. It's part of seeking and it's part of relationship, to understanding. Questioning God and others is not a bad thing - one might think, "Well, of course not. . ." But then you don't understand from where I've come or from whom I've been associated with in my life and why I would have ever thought questioning things was wrong. 

All of this could almost be summed up simply in, "...The truth shall set you free..." 

~

I am reminded that God uses those who recognize weakness, combined with a pure heart, motivated out of repentance and love for God.

I want to be used of Him - it's not the well, the strong, the "perfect" He came for. I don't want to fit in that category. Not that I remain in my weaknesses, but that out of His mercy I will have eyes to see so I can go to Him with my need and grow and be changed for His glory.

God takes the ordinary. Not superstars. The broken. Not the spiritually all "put together." The imperfect. Not showcase families, not showcase marriages. The real folks. Not the secret keepers who look shiny on the outside.

I'm quite certain that attempting to live a life that appears like the spiritual superstar is exhausting. Empty. Outward display with private turmoil. The truth of the underneath may never come to light in the public eye, but God is all that matters and what He knows, so. . . we reap. The gospel is not just words, or a lifestyle we want others to believe we live.

We live in a world where everyone has been marred, spoiled. Everyone stained by sin and there is nothing in this world that can remove sin from us but the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We cannot just put that on. It is a gift given to those who fully repent no matter the cost, flee secretive lives (for real when no one but God is around) and believe in God.

~

Rabbit trail writing happenin' here. . . somehow though each sentence connects for me.

I keep rethinking on something I wrote earlier because it's a huge thing I've lived through in many different elements of life: unity and uniformity. The teaching pastor at church brought this up Sunday and it was like I just got hung up on these words and couldn't let them go. 

These words apply to just about all relationships. For example --

Ever been with someone and felt united? Ever been in a relationship (or church or group or family) where unity was based on whether you conformed, became "uniformed" to what they believed or did? Unity was based not on being one in Christ, or united in the purpose of loving God and others, but united on everyone becoming and believing like one another? Uniformality? Is that a word? Maybe not, but it works. Maybe we get caught up in it without realizing too. . .

Thinking we are all unified, when in actuality it's just become about everyone thinking alike - uniformity.

It's typically what we tell our children NOT TO DO - "don't just be like everyone else. . ." Yet, as parents are we really living this one out for them? What do our lives, our relationships, our church or groups we join show our children?

Sometimes these words unity and uniformity are just plain mixed up, but shouldn't be. Someone may say they want unity but in reality they want uniformity. Think marriage, family life. Think parenting - do I want unity, or really am I just after uniformity in my children? To be, to act, to think like me.

Or say, a discussion with hubby - I think I want unity, one-ness - but I really just want uniformity, him to be like me, think like me, live like me!

Think kids. As a mom we cry unity! NO arguing! No debate. I'm right, they're wrong. But in reality we want them all to just wear "uniforms" and march to our drum beat, or ah, violin piece - whatever. Our way. Our belief system. This is not unity. This is uniformity-parenting. 

I've heard of couples who say they never "fight." Don't think unity here necessarily. Possible uniformity instead? Lack of individuality maybe? Control? 

We see this in churches, in families, in marriages. Tooting the word unity, but a lot of times just demanding uniformity. Maybe not demanding it? Just rejecting those who don't conform.

I've been real convicted about this lately. In my finger pointing at those who walk around in churches or homeschooling groupies or families where uniformity is key for acceptance or "christ-likeness". . . I've seen it in my own life on a regular basis. I am getting excited about this revelation and how it effects family and marriage life.

I picture a family with unity, instead of uniformity. I get this feeling uniformity isn't a good thing, just like I've always told my children, "Don't go with the flow." I get this feeling we can make ourselves think we are after unity in our marriage or family, church, whatever - but in actuality we just want uniformity because that's more comfortable and we can find pride in that. We can make ourselves believe we have unity - but only be united in the things, have uniformity in the areas, that really aren't eternal at all.

A. Ann