| | (Just "living life" pictures. . . busy, wonderful times. Making memories.)
In His great fullness, I have all I need.
If I could sum up the first week and a half of Haven's life it would be in that line above.
The re-occuring thought that has come, sometimes just struck me in the middle of whatever I'm doing:
Everything we do should be for the glory of God.
That's why the little things aren't little things. . .
The diapers, the night feedings, the clean up, etc. Purpose is in it all.
Love. Love for God and love for others.
No longer pregnant, now time is fast. She's already grown out of one set of tiny, itty newborn pjs. I've watched her eyelashes grow before my eyes and the size of her feet and hands. I tuck her in her little bed and stare into her precious face and the next morning she seems to have already changed.
(8 Days old.)
As I look at her, some moments I see her daddy looking back at me, other moments I see me. Still other moments it's like a flash back to when Morgan was our baby around here. I can't believe how similar they look at this stage. Yet, Haven is all her own. She is perfectly unique. An eternal soul. An individual ~ formed by God. The miracle of it all continues to just put me in adoration of Him.
(Early mornings, but special times. Lake playing with her baby dolls.)
I've had plenty of good laughs watching and listening to Lake's response to her little sister. She is just sure nursing pads are meant to be baby hats. She is always taking one from the box and placing it on Haven's head, throwing her hands up in pleasure and gleefully saying, "Now Baby has a cute hat!"
Brighton asked today, "Mom, what will we name the baby when she grows up?" I think she is secretly hoping we will eventually change the baby's name to "Sally-anda," her all time favorite name that she names all her baby dolls and the name she always picks to tell pretend stories about when she is playing.
Yesterday afternoon, having just finished feeding Haven, Bub came up and put his hand on my shoulder. He's a sweet quiet boy. He's not real vocal unless one on one. He stood there peering over my shoulder at his new little sister.
Not saying a word, as usual, I began the conversation, "She's your girl, Bub." His head leaned on my shoulder. I continued, "Ya know Scott and Morgan they were the first boy and girl, and then Shelton and Brighton they were second, and Christian and Lakelyn they are thirds, and now you have your's. Haven and you, Bub - you guys are a pair."
He moved to the side of Haven and placed his hand gently on her nearly bald head. A smile crept across his face. His big round brown eyes blinked under his full mop of blonde hair. "I think she'll be like you Bub, I can tell she will be a kind, gentle girl. You'll take care of her, right, 'cause she's your girl?"
"Yes ma'm," he replied.
It was one of those tender moments that I can still picture in my mind.
(Evenings out at the football practice fields.)
I like new days because it's a whole new shot at my attempt to "get it all in." At the same time, realizing it's really completely okay that I never do get it all in! Not only is it okay, I'm really comfortable with reality. Comfortable with it, yet always wanting to improve.
It's kind of like what I tell the boys after a football game - "Don't worry so much about whether it's a win, only be concerned if you didn't play with heart and fight hard all the way through until the end. Winning is really giving your all and not giving up. That's a real win."
If I loved, if the kids knew I loved them, felt my love, experienced my love . . . that's my goal, that's my aim, that's the win.
And that's my mentality. I get to the end of a day and I'm not sure really if anyTHING was "accomplished." Somedays seem a bit crazily lived. I look out of the corner of my eye and I spot a little one who looks over-looked. I get these feelings of failure. Discouraged that I can't be god to them all.
Then I am glad I cannot be.
One night, after a long and hard day last week, I was putting the girls to bed. The three of them were tucked under the covers and I sensed there were some emotional needs that hadn't been met that day for them. I wanted to meet them, all of them, but the baby had been patient long enough and needed feeding, and the boys needed me, and most of all, my man and I hadn't seen each other that day and needed alone time.
In that moment I felt helpless. In that moment I remembered times when I was a girl that my emotional needs weren't met, because after all my mom is human like me, with many people to spread herself around to. In that moment in my heart I cried out to God, "God, I can't do it, I can't always be there for them. . ."
As I sat in that moment my heart heard: "But I am here for them. Lead them to Me, don't lead them to you."
I took a deep breath. I spoke to my girls. I told them how I knew it was a time of change and getting use to things and how mommy wanted to be there for them always, but that she couldn't. That there would be days like that day. I told them there would be days they would feel alone. Days when they were sad. Life would be like that. Mommy had days like that too.
BUT that God was ready and would never leave them. He always had time, even when mommy didn't.
He is always there to listen. He is even waiting. And when the days came that mommy couldn't be there like she wanted, there was Someone who they could cry out to and share.
I told them I wanted to be there for them and would do my very, very best but that there would be times when I couldn't.
I hugged them all tight. I prayed, "God, be to my daughters what I cannot, when I cannot. . . thank You that You are always here for us and we can come to You. . . only You, only You. . ."
My voice faded off. My eyes filled. Were we not all in the same place, those three darling daughters and I?
In His great fullness, we have all we need.
A. Ann
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| | Posted 10/6/2011 9:58 AM - 1811 Views
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