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Forgiveness.| | 
"Mom, am I kinda like the boys? 'Cause I want a pocket knife too. . ."
There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't do some sort of craft. She loves to create. She would do that non-stop if I let her. Somedays I let her. She draws, cuts, writes, folds, glues, colors. I was just like that when I was little, maybe even more so.
There is a tree at front of our driveway that has leaves that are orange and red. Everything else around it is still green. I have loved watching the sun rise the mornings I am up that early. The view is wonderful for this area. It's hard to explain, but being able to see a long way out and watch the sun rising and setting and casting shadows across the hills is such a blessing to me during this season that we find ourselves in right now in life.
The children have liked having a drive way that is not just dirt. Shelton has learned to rollerblade. He sets up paint cans in the driveway and starts at the top of the hill and goes down like he is skiing. The other day he lost control and so he decided to go down the next run using a lawn mower for stability. Don't ask me why or what was going through his mind. I've not a clue...
So he on rollerblades and lawnmower are flying down the hill together. Not sure what that accomplished, but in the end the lawnmower, so the story goes, "lost control" and went flying down the hill all by itself and Shelton couldn't catch it. He now owes his daddy some money for the fixing of the lawnmower.
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It's quiet hour on Sunday afternoon at our house. My mind is full of jumbled thoughts concerning the sermon we listened to on the way to church, mixed with the thoughts from the sermon I heard at church this morning. Also mixed with things I've been working through throughout the weekend.
Somethings came up this weekend that brought some old hurts to mind. Kind of like ripping open a scar maybe? Healing is a process. Sometimes healing doesn't happen all neat and clean and like we want it to.
Sometimes we expect other people to heal too. . . like we want them to, without a mess in the mean time.
Sometimes I just can't stand that I can't be God. Just blunt, I know. But why beat around the bush when I know that's the heart of the matter?
I don't think I'm alone in this fleshly temptation that I must fight. I've noticed recently how we as humans are awfully quick to step in when we see someone writing, or saying, or explaining things the way we don't think they should be done... and somehow, we know better. And we feel this need to be God and "correct" the wrong.
This might not make sense to some but I'll go ahead and write it. A movement is begun within the homeschooling community at large. Then a movement is started against the movement. Then the first movement counter acts against the movement that comes against the movement. Have a lost ya? Ha. Yeah, it's that bad.
Somehow the gospel of Jesus Christ is lost in the shuffle and the noise.
A blog is started against this or that... than a blog is started against the blog that was started against this or that. Then another blog is started against the blog that was started against the first blog. Then facebook pages open. More fighting, arguing. Disagreeing.
Christianity at it's best? There is often validity to both sides. There is often blindness in both, because we're all human and we're not perfect.
Can I encourage homeschooling moms to not get caught up in all the blogging world that promotes all sorts of things that really should not be our focus or our time consumers? It's "Jesus AND ..." you fill in the blank. Or maybe it's more like, " such and such AND Jesus?"
What is god? Who and what REALLY is our god? What gets us most motivated? What is our most passionate topic to write about, talk about? Argue about?
If you feel strongly about the quiver full movement and you think you have the Bible to back you on it -- well, good for you. But it's not the gospel and it's not what gives us hope in life and it doesn't change hearts to love Jesus more. You won't get extra points in heaven for your beliefs on what it means to have a full quiver.
If you feel strongly that the quiver full movement is not biblical and you have the Bible to back you up on that. . . well, that's great. But it's not the gospel and it won't change hearts to love Jesus more and it won't give you hope in life. You won't get extra points in heaven because you saw through the faulty belief system of the quiver full movement.
That's just one example with one issue out there circling. There are many. . . and in my spirit something tells me something is amiss. Something isn't right. When we take on a lifestyle as parents and we raise our children in that lifestyle and then someone comes along and says, "Well, I can give you good reason to believe that the lifestyle you raised your children in is faulty..."
As parents do we rise up and scream?! Do we pridefully stand firm because we've been blinded for so long by our "rightness" that we cannot even fathom the idea that we could be wrong in some areas? So we ignore? Or we go into combat?
What does humility do?
What does pride do?
In the "christian" community of homeschooling do we know anything about the word humility? Do I???
Is it the first thing that comes to our hearts? Is it the basis for our responses? Is it the basis for our parenting? For our marriages? Is it what would come to our childrens' minds if asked what word would describe their parents?
Is humility the word that comes into our minds when we think of the homeschooling community at large?
Or would it be pride.
Never wrong. Always right.
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This weekend I received a message from a sweet girl. She wrote, "You can't understand what it means to hate because you've probably never have had reason to hate anyone like I've reason to hate..."
There is a person that God brought years ago into my life that God used to expose the hate in my heart. He gave me more than enough reason to hate. If, that is, there is ever truly a reason.
My father has spoken the truth to me, "Alyssa," he will say, "That man is just a tool in God's hands to make you more like Christ."
"Make me more like Christ?" I've wanted to scream! (and I think I have!) "More? No, it feels like rather God is just using him to prove I am not like Christ!"
Though God has been gracious and kind to relieve me from constant face to face relationship with this man, I realize I still struggle with the past. I tell people all the time, "Don't live in your past..." Only to be hit in the forehead with my own words. Most of the time I don't live in the past. Most of the time. But then, but then I do.
I really believe God allows the past to come up through one thing or another to send me running back to Him, because that is indeed what it does! I see purpose in the past like I never have before, but that doesn't mean I don't have times like right now where . . .
I sit here and whisper slowly the word, "forgiveness." And it seems to get stuck on my tongue.
Sometimes forgiving seems to minimize what has been done to me, to others. Somehow forgiveness isn't a one time deal.
It's interesting to me that in that verse in the Bible that talks about forgiving - ya know, the one about "How many times should I forgive?" and the answer comes back "70x7."
And I am relieved that it doesn't say, "1x1" because I'd be in a really big pickle. Because we don't just forgive one time and then yeah! Never a feeling of hate or pain or hurt again!
I've heard a lot about bitterness. Even the very person I struggle most in my life to forgive, he sat down with me and told me how to forgive him. Talked about how bitterness towards him would eat me a live, make my beauty fade - as if that was a threat. The very person who had given me most reason to hate in my life, was instructing me how to "get over it." It seemed ironic.
Bitterness is a very real thing, and I believe it is something that does do exactly those things. But I don't believe in the idea I was presented with that if you just take bitterness and get a pen and paper and diagram it all out what and who you're bitter at and then say, "Okay now, now I'm all done being bitter. I will claim forgiveness..."
Sorry, it won't work. Might work for a little bit. Might get stuffed down somewhere deep in your life until the next time. Might work well if you struggle with memory lapse. But otherwise it won't work. Will power and telling yourself strong words over and over again WON'T WORK.
I've met a woman who says she forgives. She claims forgiveness and she says she has no bitterness, yet every little decision or trait or action that comes out of her is obviously rooted in her deep down lack of forgiveness of those who have hurt her in life. Just saying we forgive won't cut it. I've been there.
Here is what God has been teaching me to do. . .
I am kind of thinkin' about it in football terms since that's what I'm most familiar with these days. For me, when the past comes to mind, when the hurt comes back again, it's all about punting the law back to the Supreme Court. Again and again and again, if need be. 70x7 plus some if I have to.
What I mean by that is taking the sin that has been done towards me and instead of being the judge, the condemner, the court. . . it's allowing and releasing God to be the judge. It's going to God on my face and allowing Him to wash me of my pride in thinking that I should be the judge of the wrongs done me. It's believing that vengeance is His, not mine.
It's seeing clearly how much I have been forgiven of my own sin and extending that same amount of forgiveness to the one who has sinned against me. How much do I want Jesus to forgive me? There is a verse that speaks clearly to this - saying that Jesus forgives us in the SAME WAY that we forgive others who have sinned against us.
God forgives me even when I don't ask. So, even if they never ask, I must take that which they have done to me and "punt it back" into the court of God - not holding them accountable in my own court of law, but allowing God to be judge over them. He does a much better job, because it's His to do, not mine.
What if the person who has sinned against you believes they are sinless? There are many times I am unaware of how I have sinned against God, yet, He forgives me.
What if they ask for forgiveness and I know it's not sincere and I've seen no evidence of a changed heart? What about the times I ask God to forgive me for my sin and then go and do the same thing again?
And yet, He has forgiven me.
Forgive as I have been forgiven. How I extend forgiveness, in that SAME WAY, will I be forgiven by God.
I don't know that we truly believe this. We somehow believe that God's forgiveness isn't based on anything at all. That we can withhold forgiveness, and yet God will never withhold forgiveness from us. . . I would beg to differ as I've studied God's Word concerning this issue - as I've struggled through years of wanting to know HOW forgiveness can be done.
I think we are often scared of forgiveness because we've been told that means forgetting. We know we can't make ourselves forget things and so, forgiveness kind of seems like some far fetched thing we can't attain, humanly speaking.
Sometimes I think we're scared of forgiving because by forgiving we think we're letting them off the hook! We think they won't get what they deserve if we forgive. It feels like forgiveness will minimize the transgression. We think we will have to get over our hurt and our pain and we can't imagine sudden healing.
Sometimes it feels scary to forgive because it means we can no longer hold them accountable in our hearts for their sins. To forgive means extending mercy - punting the job of judgement back to the court it belongs in: God's.
Sometimes we are scared to forgive because we've been told that we must come face to face with the person who has sinned against us and have fellowship with them. This isn't true. Forgiveness, in an abusive relationship particularly, never requires face to face relationship in order for the one sinned against to forgive their abuser.
Forgiveness FEELS like we're being told to deny truth. Sometimes it feels like we're being told to believe a lie. Sometimes it feels like we're having to cover up someone's transgression when it seems like justice that it should be shouted from the roof tops. Sometimes it feels like the innocent are being punished and the guilty are just cruising right along unhindered.
Sometimes, things are so ironic that the guilty are even praised, defended and supported. And yet, the Holy Spirit reminds me, "Alyssa, God is judge. Punt this back into His court where it belongs."
There is freedom in that, and peace. A releasing and a compassion that comes to my heart.
What do you do when the person that has hurt you continues to hurt? What do you do when the person who has sinned against you blames you, shames you? What do you do when the person who has sinned against you, no one would believe you if you told the truth about them? What do you do when the person who has sinned against you actually believes you are the one who has sinned against them!
In life, we find ourselves in these types of relationships. If you haven't yet, you will.
I cannot just one day make a decision to not hate, and bam, all is better. You can hide it, you can deny it, you can bury it, you can say this or say that or do this or do that, but WITHOUT the power of the Holy Spirit in your life, unforgiveness dominates.
We wage a war against our flesh. In our flesh, unforgiveness dominates, BUT with the power of the Holy Spirit and in the strength of HIS might, forgiveness is possible. Not only is it possible, but it can dominate our lives.
You may choose to forgive, and yet still struggle with frustration (as I have this weekend) because you are attempting to forgive in your own strength, when you need the strength of the Lord. In Zechariah 4:6 is says, "Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord of Hosts..."
What this tells me is that I can't forgive in my own might or by my own power. I have found that when I am relying upon my own strength, that's when the hate comes again. That's when I find forgiveness far from my heart and mind. That's when I find freedom allusive and little things causing me to dwell in the past. That's when I find that the pain and the hurt I feel are only exposing my sin of unforgiveness instead of actually drawing me into the presence of God.
God has given us a Helper - the Holy Spirit. He is active and He is present at our call. It is through His power that we forgive. It is through Him that we are able to conquer in the war that is waging. Forgiveness doesn't have to be allusive. It is more than possible because all things are possible with THE LORD.
I am encouraged this afternoon - I am encouraged that as I look at these truths once more, my heart is filled with grace and strength to "punt" the sins, the hurts, the pain back in the court of God. There they belong. And in that I find hope and peace and the ability to find joy in my hear and now...
And even purpose and excitement about what God has done in my life through things in the past. He is loving and kind and if you are His child, He will use that which seems painful and difficult to forgive and draw you closer to Himself through it. He will reveal the meaning behind it. He will use it for His glory as you punt what is His to begin with right back into His court and leave it there for Him to be judge.
A. Ann
| | | Posted 11/21/2010 10:19 AM - 2085 Views - 34 eProps - 18 comments
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