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"Bubbie, is this a good move?"
This was funny to me - at one point in their playing, Itty picked up the matchbox car that was sitting in front of her at the table and used it for a cell phone. She held it to her ear and began talking, "...And I do not like the move Lakelyn just made, ya know?"
Sometimes they would stop and see what the pieces tasted like.
"When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations [comfort] cheer my soul..." Ps. 94:19
How easy it is to get sidetracked from that which I should be focused on. Namely, Jesus Christ.
I get upset when I see people leading christians down all sorts of rabbit trails, down all sorts of lifestyles or guilt ridden convictions that are not in God's Word. I'm no different then they if this sidetrackes me because honestly, I get sidetracked wanting to expose the heresy. Two types of sidetracked individuals. Neither focused on Jesus, but on something else.
One caught up in lies clothed in christianity, the other caught up in exposing lies in the name of christianity. Both caught up. Both off track.
Why get caught up, O my soul! {the typing of "o my soul" helps emphasize I'm yelling at myself right now.}
Live life, eyes set on the eternal!
This past weekend I was faced with my inability to love like Jesus loves. I met someone of the lifestyle who, it seemed to me anyway, her whole identity was wrapped up in the number of children she had. My immediate judgment. My immediate inability to love. . .
{Sidenote: When we judge we can't love. We can't. Period. We are not being like Christ. Absolutely positively sure of this.}
The conversation proceeded to speak of people, in an idolized fashion - people I know first hand to not be what they pretend or claim to be. This furthered my inability to love.
Everything that came out of their mouth was grinding against me inside. I felt repulsed. I smiled graciously, or fake smiled, which ever you'd like to call it, and found a way outside to breathe. My husband was much more polite in his exit, demonstrating maturity I seem to lack.
What a revelation of my heart! How positively sick.
"God," I whispered as I stood outside watching my children, "I can't love those kinds of people. Any people but those kinds, God! Any! I want to run from them. I want to gag. Their spiritual superiority sickens me."
Yes, I want to gag right now at my own spiritual superiority. It sickens me.
~
Sometimes I think I've healed. Sometimes I believe I have. Sometimes I know I have. In part, in huge part, at least I want to believe I've come a long way. I really have seen God do so much in my heart. I hold onto that in hopes that He will continue. And He does continue.
Then something happens to remind me that there are still some things that need to be rooted out of me, exposed and brought "into the light" so that God can work in my heart. It kind of feels like a spot light being pointed at my heart and finding there isn't a rose garden growing all nice and beautiful in there, but instead, still STILL! weeds.
It's humbling because inside I think I should be completely whole and healed and spiritually mature. Come on already! I don't want to journal about how I can't love. Or how certain people really get my back up or completely turn me off. But to skip over this part is like, ya know, lying.
Many days pass and I feel no hurt, no repulsion, no bitterness or anger. Nothing. I am free and I don't get sidetracked. I have moved on and moved out and moved through the cross of Christ and He has granted me forgiveness for others and myself.
But then I feel something rise inside of me, kind of like the "old self." It seems to rear it's ugly head when I feel physically weak, but still, that's no excuse. The beast is self really. My prime enemy. I can't love.
I want to expose and I want the truth out. I get sidetracked and it takes me down a rollercoaster that ends in exhaustion and frustration, because seriously now -- these people, what they believe, who they follow, what they do, who they praise, what they focus on, is completely outside of my control. Completely. And therefore it should not give me a care in the world. It's not mine to care about.
Their blindness is out of my control. But mine should not be.
I don't even want brief moments of sidetrackedness. (yeah, how's that for a word?)
I want to love those who my self wants to despise. Doesn't mean I'm going to pick them as my best friends to hang out with - this isn't a possibility I need worry about anyway. Doesn't mean I'm going to throw away the truth. Doesn't mean I'm going to become a spineless wishy-washy woman who doesn't study the Word of God and have definite beliefs and discern when God's Word is taken out of context in the promotion of certain lifestyles and standards.
The enemy likes me to believe there isn't anything in between joining people in their blindness vs. exposing and running from the heresy.
But what I want is to be able to breathe just fine right there in their presence without feeling the huge urge to run, or the huge repulsion. I think there is something in between and I intend on living it.
Maybe we each have a different people group we have a hard time loving. . . probably because their rejection of us has been greater and more hurtful?
Kind of like the woman who said she hates all christians because her mom claimed to be one and hit her on the side of the face with a frying pan when she said she didn't want to be one too. Kind of like me who would just about rather be around any type of person except one who _____ . Fill in the blank.
I'd rather just not see or be around anyone like them.
But instead, I know that is not the answer. . . I have moved away from those relationships that were controlling and emotionally abusive -- for the sake of my children, for the sake of our marriage, for the sake of wisdom. But I cannot rid myself from all those who follow those same teachings or people.
They can pop up anywhere, and they do, just to remind me that God is after my heart more than anything! If I were to get down to the wire with all this I would have to say that it's these exact type of people that God has used, and continues to use to break me: to show me my huge need for HIM.
Do I mean to tell myself this very minute that God intends on these people being in my life until I get what He is trying to do in me?! Can I laugh outloud this very second because that sounds like God isn't out to make me comfortable? You mean to say that God doesn't idolize me like I idolize myself? Got to be kidding.
But no,
He is after changing me and making me like Him - full of LOVE. He is after exposing me and showing me that I CANNOT love without Him doing it through me. He is after self being put to death and me being alive in HIM.
He is after more than me just being resolved2worship. He is resolved to put within me TRUE WORSHIP, which can only come through humility and brokenness.
His aim for me is: "All that matters to her is Jesus."
I am grateful He cares about me that much, even if it hurts. Even if it exposes. Even if it means getting down to the dirty inside of me. Journalling this day about my inability to love. I am helplessly dependent on Jesus Christ.
It's when my heart rests in this that I am truly victorious. That's where the healing begins and continues. When I get sidetracked from the gospel, from just living my life dependent upon Jesus, that's when I fail to love and that's when the cares of my heart are many.
I am encouraged this morning with the steadfast love of the Lord. I praise Him that it never ceases. I am grateful for the testing that took place this past weekend in this area of love. I'm grateful He didn't just test, which brought about the exposure, but that He gently and lovingly brought me to my knees before Him in repentance and continues to give me a desire to grow more and more in Him.
"Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord. . .if the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, "My foot slips," Your steadfast love, O Lord, helps me up. When the cares of my heart are many, Your comfort cheers my soul."
"...They reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits end. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves and the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and He brought them to their desired haven. Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love..." Ps. 107:27-31
If you are sidetracked in anyway from Jesus Christ, you cannot have peace. Whether you be sidetracked by some relationship that is difficult, or maybe by following some sort of "christian" lifestyle, or whether you be sidetracked exposing and proving how those lifestyles are not biblical, or whether you be sidetracked with the world, money, the pride of life. Well, really all the above are the pride of life. The pride of self-love.
Regardless of what you be sidetracked with . . . if sidetracked, if distracted, if idolizing or fulfilling yourself with anything other than Jesus, you cannot have peace. BUT, don't stop there - because you CAN HAVE PEACE!
Isaiah 26 says,
"You keep him in PERFECT PEACE whose mind is stayed on You, trust in the Lord forever;
(This means you are not trusting in your actions, words, spirituality, ability to expose heresy, your choice of lifestyle or religion, or lack of religion, etc. you are trusting in the LORD alone, forever.)
For the Lord God is an everlasting Rock. . . the path of the righteous is level (not out of balance either way!); You make level the way of the righteous. . .
O Lord, we wait for You; Your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul
(Our complete desire is in God not in the next commitment we think we should make for God, or in opposition, not in the next way we can prove that commitments to God don't show the condition of our hearts!)
My soul yearns for You in the night (our night is not filled with cares of this world/or life - instead it is in seeking God, being filled with peace that comes from Him); my spirit within me earnestly seeks You."
A. Ann |
| | Posted 9/21/2010 1:33 PM - 987 Views
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