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Dear Daughter. Dear Mom.| | 
I received a really sweet message awhile back from a single girl. She had a question for me...
"Would you consider possibly writing a post about what you would tell your girls if it was their 20th birthday?
What do you wish you had known?
Made time for..."
I've never responded much to suggested postings, but this one hit my heart in a special way because I have two daughters who have birthdays this month. Life seems to be flying by, even if they are just turning three and one.
My oldest daughter will be seven this summer. And that is beyond belief.
I am sure that is how it felt to my mom when I got married at nineteen.
And so I am guessing my girls will be twenty soon. Because I turned twenty far sooner than I would have thought.
So here goes - here is what I would write if my daughter were turning twenty...
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Dear Daughter,
Today you are twenty. I'm sure by this time, we'll have gone through a whole lot together. I'm sure there will have been good times, and hard times, and really hard times, and hopefully really, really good times too.
By this time in your life, well, I'm sure I will have told you the whole story about your daddy and me. How we met, what happened, what we wish we hadn't done, and what we're glad we did. It's an amazing story that I can't say I've heard another anywhere near like it.
You've probably thought some about how I was married and already expecting your oldest brother by twenty. You might wonder here on your twentieth birthday if there is ever going to be a man who will come for you that could even possibly be as kind and good as your daddy has been to me and to you. You probably are hoping you won't have to wait long.
Or maybe he's come and you're married and you are suddenly having to grow up more than you've ever had to grow up before. In that case, let me say that it will be a good growing up no matter what happens in your relationship, good or bad. Know that your daddy and I pray for you everyday that you will be grounded and anchored in Christ and that you will cling to Him and that you will continue to draw near to Him. He alone can satisfy your every need. He alone can make your heart complete. His love is never failing. Seek Him with a willing heart.
If by God's will you are single - ENJOY this time with everything that is within you! Pursue service to those in need. Pursue your talents and gifts. Pursue preparation for a marriage relationship and being a self-less mother, in case that is God's call on your life in the future.
Here are twenty practical tips I've discovered to be good, at least so far  I know you're an adult now and this isn't a list of house rules or do's and don't. But it's just stuff I've learned the hard way and I'm still learning it. I know you know because you know me better than pretty much anyone.
Maybe it will encourage you in some way, and maybe it will save you some hassle I've had to walk through. Or maybe, like me, and like most people, you can read these things, but still have to find them out for yourself through life's experiences. That's okay. That's how mere words become heart convictions.
Whatever the case, know I share them from a heart of love for you and out of a desire to see you know God with all your heart, soul, and mind.
(in no order of importance, just writing as I brain storm.)
#1. Don't get stressed out. Stress doesn't accomplish anything. Forget the drama. Focus on the Lord. Don't be a reactionary person. Ask the Lord to make you a stable person.
#2. T.V is a huge, huge waste of time.
#3. You know all that stuff that is hard in your life right now?— it will be of use.
#4. Kids are going to grow up way faster than you think, if you have them, do all you can to not waste a minute.
#5. Journal keep. Seriously, your memory can be extremely faulty and so you will be glad you did.
#6. Junk food will come back to bite you. Especially in pregnancy. Stay active and exercise even when it hurts.
#7. Self control is an awesome trait. Apply it to spending and don't be a curse to yourself or your husband by getting caught up in thinking you must have more and more. Avoid impulse spending. Realize materialism does not bring happiness. It won't, no matter how much the world likes to make you think so.
#8. Care for others. Don't be self-centered. Life isn't about you. If you think it is, that will come back to bite you way worse then junk food.
#9. Be discerning of people. Undiscerning people are fools. Don't be a fool. Remember things are typically not as they appear. But as for you, always be exactly as you appear. Be real, authentic, open, honest. Putting on for other people is living a lie. Don't live a lie.
#10. Admit when you're wrong. Just because you don't think you are wrong, doesn't mean you aren't. Identify pride in your life and flush it out.
#11. Pursue your passions. "Waiting to do something until you can be sure of doing it exactly right means waiting for ever." Go for it, girl! At the same time, Make sure your passions are worth pursuing. Ask yourself if at the end of your life, if they will be what really matters, or will they be useless.
#12. Don't be afraid of people. This might take a lifetime to overcome, but fight hard to overcome it. Don't ever do something or say something because someone else thinks you should. Know what you believe. Question. Search. Pray. Don't ever stop thinking for yourself. Don't forget that the important question is not, "What do they think of me?", but "What does God think of me?" Oh, and one more thing on this fear of man stuff - remember that those who love you will love you regardless of what you do, and they are the ones whose opinions are worth caring about.
#13. Beautiful women are often insecure. Don't be an insecure beautiful woman yourself. Be secure in the Lord. You can't "give" someone else self-esteem by praising them. The obverse of this rule is that no one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you give them permission... oh, and flattery should never make you feel good about yourself. Don't get caught up in man's praise. The world's idea of beauty is totally off. Don't take in the lies. They only lead to destruction of one's self, rejecting God's design, and comparison and jealousy.
#14. Appearances change. Don't put stock in your own. On the other hand, be a good steward of your body. Don't ever buy into being frumpy. Don't buy into being an attention hoar either. God has made you a woman. His design for you is incredible. Celebrate femininity in how you dress and walk. Following the most recent fashion in life is spiritual and intellectual suicide. "You can be a cheap imitation of the ideal of the moment; or you can be a unique individual." If folks whine that you aren’t fitting into what they think you should, you're probably on the right track. Don't live life as a herd animal (follower). God made you to be a unique individual. Celebrate that in a God honoring way. A little side note: Stand up straight and square your shoulders and look others in the eye :)
#15. Hatred is miserable. Don't hang on to past hurts. Fight hard to push past and seek the Lord to give you forgiveness in your heart. Realize your are not fighting against flesh and blood but the enemy of your soul. Let how Jesus lived here on earth be your guide in how to respond to others.
#16. Don't stay in an abusive relationship. Never stay silent. Don't ever be afraid to go for help. Don't let pride or fear keep you in a relationship that only enables the abuser. Be willing to make hard decisions that others may never understand. Don't ever idolize your image, or a good name. It's a vain pursuit in life. There is a verse that says a good name is better to have then riches. This is true. But a good name that is actually a lie and is not who you really are inside, is far worse than riches. It is actually scum.
#17. Here are few simple ways to wreck a relationship: listen to gossip, be controlling, be easily offended. "People who spread gossip are the plague-carriers of our day. Cockroaches are clean, kindly creatures in comparison." Being controlling is a sure way to have people flee from you. Being easily offended is a sure way of living life in misery and ensuring those around you feel miserable too.
#18. True love can't be obtained through persuasion, guilt, force, bribery, seduction, or trickery. When it comes to love and relationships, never make a major decision while in the grip of strong emotion.
#19. Never think you've "arrived." Avoid people who act like they have because you will get burned. Don't get discouraged when it feels like you never will "arrive." Remember that the Lord will complete the work He has started in you, in His timing and in His way.
#20. The following nineteen things I've written mean nothing and are nothing without a relationship with Jesus Christ. Pursue Him above all else. Remember that you are loved by Him with an everlasting love that does not let go. He holds you. Know that suffering is apart of life. Don't be surprised by trials. Don't turn your back on God because you think you know better than He does.
E.B. Pusey said,
"...whatever thy grief or trouble, take every drop in thy cup from the hand of God. He with whom, "the hairs of they head are all numbered," knows every throb of your brow, each hardly drawn breath, each shoot of pain... each sinking of the aching heart.
Receive, then, what are trials to you, not in the main only, but one by one, from His all-loving hands, thank His love for each; unite each with the sufferings of the Redeemer; pray that He will hallow them to you. You will not know now what He will work in you; yet, day by day, you will receive the impress of the likeness of the ever-blessed Son, and in you too, while you don't even know, God shall be glorified..."
Remember He sees the big picture. Be resolved2worship. Praise Him with a grateful heart. Walk in faith, not by sight.
Things I'd wished I'd known at twenty:
-People who gossip to you, gossip about you.
-How to recognize manipulative people and not play into the manipulation.
-How to be quick to forgive.
-Not to be quick to trust others. Be discerning.
-A perfectly clean house isn't of eternal value.
-Being the perfect wife won't ensure your husband's faithfulness. God is ultimately the keeper of your husband. Trust God.
-How to stand up and say no to in-laws. Don't be afraid, controlled, manipulated. You are not married to them.
-Just because someone says they've heard from God concerning you, doesn't mean they have.
-People hide their true self behind legalism, standards, and issues.
-Most people don't change. You can't change people. But YOU can change through the power of God.
-That what I was facing at twenty was merely a class room to teach me about how to face things in the future.
Things I wished I'd made time for at twenty:
-My younger brother and sister.
-Missions and finding ways to minister to unwed mothers or in crisis pregnancy centers.
-To communicate to my parents how amazing they were and how grateful I was for how they raised me.
-Phone calls to my best friends. Keeping up with those from my childhood.
So there it is - what I might possibly say if my daughter was turning twenty. What I hope though is that I will have lived out and expressed these things to her far before she turns twenty. This has been good though - to write this out, because it's given me some renewed vision in what I want to guide my daughters in in the upcoming years before they turn twenty.
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When my daughters actually turn twenty, I wonder what I will tell them. I wonder if it will change much from what I've written now. I wonder if I will have been faithful to teach them these things between now and then.
Being a mother is the most incredible responsibility. It is a wonderful one.
Tomorrow is Mothers' Day. As I reread over this post I see how much of what I've written has actually been taught to me by my mom.
She is an amazing person. I love her so very much. Her life reminds me that life is a journey - in knowing Him and becoming more like the Lord. What I love about her is her sincerity. I love that she is not one of those people who acts as though she "has arrived." She is honest and real. She loves God and she loves others.
She serves others more than anyone I've ever met and she doesn't do it with the motive to be noticed or to be praised or to get something from others. My mom has been an amazing example to me of selflessness.
Mom knows her boundaries with her adult children and she has let go properly. I know this has got to be one of the hardest things ever that moms face because now that I am a mom and I put my whole life into my children I know this has just got to be so hard!
I have been challenged my whole life by my mom's relationship with the Lord. By watching I have learned the following about God:
1. He is a God of love. We can never be so bad that He doesn't love us. Nothing changes His love for us. He never gives up on us.
2. When we make mistakes, we can come to God. We can talk to Him about it. We can go for forgiveness and experience His mercy.
3. God is near. He is not some energy, or thing, or the big man up stairs. He is right here with us. He is present, and alive and living and active in every part of our lives.
4. He answers prayer.
5. He is worthy of our worship.
6. He can be trusted.
Thank you mom, for living candidly. Thank you for walking out your salvation for me to see. Thank you for always being the same person in the home as you were outside the home.
Thank you for being faithful and loyal to dad and for respecting him. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a friend to my husband.
Thank you for being my mom, my defender, my supporter, my cheerleader, a kindred spirit, my friend. Thanks for all you have poured into my life and the prayers you've prayed and continue to pray. Thanks for never giving up.
I love you.
a. ann | | | Posted 5/8/2010 11:07 PM - 2290 Views
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