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I pulled the covers over my head and curled up even tighter. The Baby was screaming at me from her bed just feet away. Someone was playing on the piano. I could hear running and wrestling. I could hear a child throwing up. I could here Itty calling from her bed, "Mo-mm-yyyyyy, I need you!"
And that was just the beginning of this REAL LIFE MONDAY.
I've been workin' on about an average of four hours of sleep a night... for about twelve years now. Okay, so it feels like it. But for the record, I know it to be true for at least the past week.  Motherhood isn't for lovers of sleep.
I never was a sleep person, but this morning, man did I want some. And there was no way. After getting up all night with the Baby, who seems to suddenly be going through a growth spurt and wanting to nurse on the hour every hour through the night - plus, a little one getting sick in the night and throwing up, unable to get to the restroom... I thought just maybe, maybe if I pulled the covers up higher, closed my eyes tighter, curled up smaller, everything would suddenly perfect itself.
But that's not real life. This is life - this is normal stuff. As the piano was being banged away on and the boys early morning wrestling needs being worked out throughout the house, honestly what came to my mind was that verse somewhere in the Bible that talks about a loud voice in the morning being like a curse.
(my very tired real self.)
But what I know is that I wouldn't take a way or exchange any of those voices I heard this morning, though maybe the circumstances of sickness. One day they will be gone and it will be silent and I will still be missing sleep because of menopause. And I might pull the covers up higher and curl up tighter and close my eyes really hard and try to remember the good ol' days. Those days when there was early morning wrestling matches which are actually hilarious. And cute tiny babies to cuddle and nurse. And piano ballads.
Because that's really what they are. These are good days. (do I sound like one who lives in denial? I swear then, I want it that way.)
Divorce yourself if you want to be a good mom. Not begrudgingly. Not oh pity, pity me type stuff. Not even for the sake of feeling good about yourself, your selflessness being a pat on the back of goodness and thus giving a short-lived dose of affirmation. So really, divorce yourself if you want to be a good mom. For the name sake of Christ. Motivation: for the glory of God.
That's not me. Goodness, NO.
That's just my goal and prayer for today. One day at a time. No really, ONE moment at a time. That is what my heart longs for - that is what I go after. I fail. I pull the covers up high and tight and think about cursing verses. But that's when I see my need for God most. That's when the childishness in me, has to grow up.
And that's where the strength comes from to get up after many a sleepless night - and clean up throw up, CALMLY ask for no more piano ballads at 7am, break up wrestling matches that are near levels of pros 'bout now, feed the baby, put in the wash, let the dog out, make the beds, feed the children (even if it's just apple sauce and chocolate granola bars lol!), dress the babies, and finally somehow after a thousand things that must be done:
Make it to lunch time.
Yeeha! Yep, that's yelled with a little tear coming down my face this morning. But I want everyone out there to know this stuff is eternal. Rise up and don't be afraid to stand out in this world by finding fulfillment in Jesus Christ and giving up one's life... to gain it.
Motherhood isn't grand in and of itself. It's not holy. Nope, it's not. You won't get to heaven because you were a mother, and you don't get brownie points for having more than two kids. In fact, I have come to believe the more you have, your chances of being a "good" mommy are slimmer.
(my idea of a "nap" on a Sunday afternoon. Itty has her hair clip in her mouth of course.)
But what is grand is doing whatever it is God has called you do and doing it selflessly for His glory and for the love of others. That kind of stuff isn't for cowards. That kind of grandness doesn't just come flowing out of us mothers. At least not me.
That's why when Robert and I were engaged and talking about having kids, I told him pretty much "no way."
At least not very many, and certainly not right away. Thanks to my parents, who encouraged me to babysit children nearly around the clock during my highschool age years, I'd decided I really wasn't cut out for the kind of sacrifice I could see it would take to truly be a "good" mom. If I was going to be one, I wanted to be the kind that succeeded, and well, I didn't see myself as being the type who could divorce myself that well.
Being willing to see myself for who I really am, I can sit here this morning and say very matter-a-fact that any good that comes out of me to my family is directly attributed to the joy of the Lord being my strength. I am not capable. But He is. So since He is, that's where I want to be plugged into. I know He alone is my "power source" to love my children as I want and as I should.
I rejoice in this verse this morning. And even have a corny smile on my face as I read it. It's just that wonderful.
"...For this reason, I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you (me) to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your (my) inner being...
...So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in LOVE, may have STRENGTH to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE...
That you may be filled with all the FULLNESS OF GOD!"
amen and amen. Makes me what to shout!
pictures from this past week:
("Let's see, how can I catch fish with a stick this size?")
(she wears this tutu pretty much everyday right now.)
(sneaking into the tall grass to read her favorite Curious George book  )
(getting teeth!)
(a rare moment of daddy resting.)
(watching and feeling a cold front come in. It was so pretty.)
(donut stop during a break from a HK photo shoot last week.)
(got milk?)
(sweet and quiet little girl.)
(I'm in love with her eyes.)
(she is always on the move. She prefers eating grass.)
(a huge reason why in weariness, I survive. His idea of "leadership" in our family has changed over the last few years and with that a heart to help me in my role as mom ~ and he never ceases to amaze me in how much he does to help me through. Incredible. When I am beyond tired, having him around on the weekends is even more awesome.)
(we love animal crackers.)
Happy REAL LIFE Monday. Here's to being real tired. Here's to being real. And finding that's just okay.
a. ann
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| | Posted 2/22/2010 12:04 PM - 1188 Views - 76 eProps - 44 comments
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