Real LiFe MoNdAy...
(Crazy boy likes wearing a helmet I think because so often his hair can look like this.)
(I spotted Christian and Shelton heading out in the rain together)
(her ears stick out just perfect for putting flowers behind them )
I wrote last night on and off after the children went to bed. Then this morning the electricity flickered on and off as it often does and I lost what I had written. So I suppose it wasn't meant to be on here anyway. This morning, I sipped tea because I have a sore throat. First time sickness has hit us in a long time around here and I'm grateful for all the well times we have.
The children are watching their history video, tiny baby is napping for the morning. My two year old is somehow intrigued by history as well. So nice. So I have a moment or a few maybe, but I never really know so here I go.
Scott made his first touch down of the season on Saturday. I've written in the past about the difficult coaching situation he has had this fall. He was named the "workhorse" by some - because he was used to get the ball within yards of scoring only to be replaced by the coach's son for the attempted touchdown.
Without going into all the details of what we've walked through together during this season, all I can say is that it touched into my emotions and I felt my eyes well up and warm tears fall down my cheeks. I know just how bad he's worked and wanted that touch down, even though all odds seemed to be against him.
For not being an emotional person I thought it kind of strange I should cry over a touch down - pretty trivial in life - but what the tears ran for was the heart of my son. Seeing hope fulfilled in the last game of the season (though they have a bowl game this weekend).
It's a different season in Scott's life - when I've wanted to go up after each football game and hug him and cuddle him and say everything would be okay like I still do my four year old boy, I could not. I hold myself back. I let him be a man. At the same time we make eye contact and we communicate on a different level. I high five, hit that right shoulder pad. Say few words, but make sure the words I do say -- count.
I've sure seen Scott grow a lot this season. And I've had to grow with him. I'm finding and searching and discovering what it means to be a mother now to a son that isn't a little boy any more, yet not a full grown one either.
Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on stones across a river, slowly, hesitatingly - trying not to fall in. Knowing God will hold my hand as I cross over into this new territory of loving and guiding and supporting my sons as they are no longer sitting on my knees or crawling into bed next to me in the early morning to snuggle.
It is like a new adventure - new discoveries. I find there is less talking at times, and then suddenly, lots of talking. I am grateful for sons who do talk with me - these older ones now, I wait - I wait for them to make the move. I find my place in their lives an interesting one, especially Scott right now. It's a sweet time, and wonderful if I can keep my heart focused on the fact that he is not mine. He is God's.
I had a photo shoot Saturday morning and drove like a banshee trying to make it back for his game. I arrived just as half time was ending. I was running to the bleachers, kind of bummed I'd missed the whole first half. I sat down next to Robert and I spotted Scott on the side lines about to be put back in for the game. I yelled, "Go Texans!"
And then he turned and he saw me and through all that face mask, helmet and mouth gear, I saw his big smile. I put both thumbs up in the air for him to see and we chatted just then in a silent way. And then coach grabbed him and shoved him onto the field with instructions.
It wasn't but maybe five minutes after I sat down that he drove that ball all the way into the end zone. I was so glad I was there to see it. My sore throat today might be in part to how loud this mama cheered.
I saw him jumping up and down, hitting shoulder pad to shoulder pad with his other teammates. The elation in that boy was all over the place. Shelton was the water boy for Scott's team Saturday - he was so happy for Scott that when Scott made it back to the sidelines Shelton drenched him in water instead of giving him something to drink.
We've got more grace around here since I last wrote. Or rather, a dog named "Gracie." She is who knows what kind of dog. It was a spontaneous idea on my part. Maybe after the impersonation whole thing I decided a big loud and barking watch dog would be a good addition to our family.
Instead, after visiting the animal shelter I feel in love with this dog named "Gracie." A medium sized sweet dog who is perfectly house trained, doesn't jump, bite, BUT does bark when she should. And I liked her eye brows. The children were all in agreement she was the one for us as well but she cost money. Children appreciate and care for what they pay for... so we returned home and I put out a glass jar.
(Morgan made this after our first visit to the shelter when we met Gracie)
Of course Robert added a little bit and I stuck in $20. but the rest was put together of quarters and dimes and nickels and pennies! Seriously, about $25. worth of change! The man at the shelter told us if we didn't come back and buy her before the next day, she was going to be taken to an adoption event and she would be gone.
The night before she was to be taken, the children counted the money. The next morning we took the glass jar to the desk at the animal shelter and "Gracie" joined our family.
She is a wonderful dog - her one problem being that she doesn't know how to walk on a leash yet. She either just sits there or takes off pulling the boys up a deer trail. Scott has been working with her.
Sunday morning before church if you passed our house and you saw me in my long white bathrobe and Robert's tennis shoes running wildly up the back hill to the pasture, it was for good reason. I was getting the girls' clothing out of their room when I heard Gracie barking like crazy. She only barks when necessary and so I peaked out the window.
There Gracie was barking and barking, Clover our lamb up tight against the fence! What in the world? who put those two in the same pin! I went running through the house, jumped into Robert's shoes and out the back door. Shelton behind me, all the while I was yelling, "Who put those two together!!"
Shelton replied, "I thought they needed to get to know each other mom!" And he was serious.
So we rescued the lamb, or maybe we rescued Gracie - I'm really not sure which since the lamb is twice the size of the dog. No damage was done except that I covered my bathrobe and Robert's shoes in mud, dog hair, and lamb's wool.
Sorry, no picture.
Itty steals Baby's ear flowers.
My moments are up for now, history is over and we need to move on to the next thing. But I wanted to add to this post something that was passed on to me that was very helpful for me and I want to remember:
"-Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses
-Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual
-Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback (specifically, they make excuses & start attacking others)
-Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble (specifically, they have a character structure that does not allow them to see certain realities as part of themselves. They project things onto others & cannot own their own flaws)
-Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior
-Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them. They resist any form of character growth or maturation, ie:
-do not admit they have problems
-do not confess when they have wronged someone
-do not forgive people who have hurt them
-avoid facing relationship problems directly & openly
-treat others with a lack of empathy
-are not open to confrontation from others
-do not take responsibility for their lives
-blame others for their problems
They act out of their unconscious hurts, and then hurt others
Unsafe people demand trust instead of earning it. They feel "entitled". They get defensive and angry because someone questions their actions, and they think they are above being questioned or having to prove their trustworthiness. None of us are above questioning, and to take offense at it is very prideful.
"Be wary of people who say, 'how dare you question my integrity!'"
-Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
-Unsafe people are on a mission to prove that they are perfect. Using their work, family, abilities, or religion, they try to project an image of perfection, and their image becomes more important to them than the relationships they are in.
If someone threatens their image, they will attack that person, for they must keep up their image at all costs.
They will fight, blame, and point fingers - anything that will put the badness onto the other person so that they may remain blameless.
-Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
-Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth. Unsafe people see deception as a strategy to cling to and to manage life & relationships. They defend instead of give up their lies. "
(At one of the boy's football games I caught this picture. I think it speaks volumes.)
Because of events in my life I was placed in relationship with "unsafe" people. When reading the above I could not believe how accurate every single word was to those with whom I found myself with. I really believe the events in life aren't something that just happen - I believe God's hand is in them. But as these difficult unsafe people seem to surround me and effect my family and life I began to ask God to please remove them.
The answer has seemed to be no and like any normal human being I have asked "Why?"
Now I don't think God always answers our whys when we want Him to, and sometimes the why isn't answered down on this earth at all. Sometimes when the why is answered it's not what we like to hear.
Though I think I've known the answer to my question before this past week - after all - I think a lot of what I've written in the past few years has been so much of how the Lord has shown me how He has used what seemed bad, for the good of my heart, my relationship with Him - but nevertheless, sometimes I ask the same questions over again because I need the answers all over again...
I'm a slow learner.
This past week though as I was questioning God once again about the why, why the unsafe people in my life, why didn't God change them? why didn't He remove them? the answer came very clearly, "Unsafe people are left to sanctify His people."
And I found real HOPE in this answer! God is so good to give it. So today, Monday, I have been thinking deeper on this and I have found peace in my heart to rest. Not that I won't ask Him why again concerning it, but once again He has reassured my heart of His goodness in all things - His bigger picture, all that He sees that I do not.
And it's true, unsafe people do sanctify us, if we are His children. They have pushed me to my knees time and time again. They have made me question what I know, what I believe. They have caused me to search very deep into my own heart and life, hit the very core of my being - driving me to cling to Jesus Christ. Driving me to desire honesty, authenticity, truthfulness.
Driving me to test things, not just take what I see and hear. Causing me to break free from the fear of man. Showing me my own bondage, revealing my own neediness. Dropping me into the arms of Jesus and revealing to me what He is really like and who He really is.
Knowing unsafe people has given me a passion to be a "see-thru soul." It has been convicting into the very depths of me - to flee hiding, to flee blaming, to flee pride. To be honest with my weaknesses ... to pursue humility. To pursue relationship with God and despise the morbid religious putting on of mere outward disciplines, nice smiles and the drama of acting christian - the how dare you question my integrity or rightness or position or lifestyle.
I smile when I write, "Be careful what you pray..." There was a time when I prayed fervently that God would sanctify me, make me new, make me like Him. He has been answering this prayer, it just took me a while to see how He was answering it.
Now, I find so much hope in what could seem like a very lost and dreary situation or relationships. In His mercy, He did not leave me where I was and in His compassion He is drawing me near to Himself and has given me a deeper longing for heaven and to know Him.
This doesn't mean I will stop praying that God would save, or that God would remove. But in the mean time, I have renewed hope, I see the light in the darkness. I am seeing His hand where I thought before it has nowhere to be found.
Elizabeth Prentiss put it this way:
"...doesn't it seem hard when you think of the many there are in the world, that you should be singled out for such bereavement and loneliness?
She replied with a smile:
I am not singled out, dear. There are thousands of God's own dear children scattered over the world suffering far more than I do. And I do not think there are many persons in it who are happier than I am. I was bound to my God and Savior before I knew a sorrow, it is true...
(and I love this part)
...But it was by a chain of many links; and every link that has dropped away brought me closer to Him, till at last, having nothing left, I was shut up to Him and learned fully what I had only learned partially, HOW SOUL-SATISFYING HE IS."
Unsafe people, trials, difficulties - these are not hinderances to our knowing God, on the contrary, they are the very things that draw us into the condition of loving and knowing Jesus and instead of obstacles, they are part of the journey to knowing God more.
That is how we can have hope in the midst of sorrow and peace in the midst of chaos.
"For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation..." 2 Cor. 7:10
(growing up too fast)
Because I would rather watch my boys play then be taking pictures, I only took my camera two times out of the whole season (thanks, Abs, for letting me use your lens!) - - here are my favs I snapped at Christian's last game - so glad he'll have these to remember this year's season by.
(running for the points)
(after being tackled, still on the ground, clinging to the ball)
| ||Posted 11/2/2009 11:34 AM - 968 Views - 66 eProps - 41 comments|
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