| | (finally posted on Wednesday.)
Of course it's past midnight. When else is there really time to write. 
Today was one of those days where I would in no way be able to write all that I did. So much done. So much on my heart. I've a feeling I will write more here tonight than anyone would ever want to read. . . which is just fine by me.
Here I sit at the end of another Monday, listening to rain patter on my roof. The house is clean, the laundry done and put away completely. . . At least it is until tomorrow when it all starts over again.
Got even some closets re-organized. The kitchen shiny clean. Lakelyn has just been up for a midnight snack and I've snuggled her back down for the night. And now if only I could "sleep like a baby" I could check it off on my list of things I accomplished today, but alas, here I be writing and not sleeping.
When I woke this Monday morning I had every reason to be overwhelmed. The tasks ahead of me were stacked so high if I thought about them I felt like disappearing back under the covers. I had to just do one thing, then the next thing, and right on until the sun sets and even past.
This day seemed more like a few days long, but a good day. I look back on it now and see God's hand in everything. I watched Him love my children today. I watched Him provide. I saw Him do the impossible. I took His hand and He walked me right on through.
There is peace here. It is dark except for the computer screen and there is no noise but the rain. No AC units on tonight. The first time for this in a very long time.
We took a vacation a good portion of last week. I hope to post some pictures one day.
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I've a two year old dearest girl. ~ I love this age with all the emotional and physical exhaustion that comes along with it. Come to think of it, I'm finding I love every age with my children. . . though I admit some put me on my knees more than others.
A few weeks ago she learned the word "No."
Over night, so it seemed, she made known to me that truly all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God . . . and I feel once again like I know absolutely nothing as a parent.
It's like starting at ground zero. The last few weeks I feel I have spent the majority of my day training and working with her. Consistency. I know this is the key, I know this isn't easy. It's plain stinkin' hard work with no immediate reward in sight.
It's dropping everything. Dropping all that "must" be done and focusing on the heart of my child - unlike cleaning the house, I work hard and then there, there it is, all nice and neat and done for the day.
But, no, she's not a project. She's a person. A soul. A relationship. An individual -- I don't care how many kids I've had that were the age of two before her. . . no child can be done the same way, because they aren't the same person.
I'm just not a believer that with child training it's a one-size-fits-all.
What is unusual about my two year old girl saying "No" to me is that she says it in this little sweet sing song-y voice. Her facial expressions and tone of voice do not match her heart of rebellion that she is actually acting out.
i.e.:
"Mommy, I want a cookie."
Me: "Brighton, you must say please."
"NoOo. . ." said to me in a sweet little high, sing song-y voice as she smiles
And she quickly says again, "Mommy, I want a cookie."
(folks, in case you were wondering - she can very clearly say the word please and knows exactly what it means.)
or
"Brighton, come to mommy to put your shoes on, we need to leave..."
"NoOo. . . " (high pitched little sing song-y voice) smiling, running the opposite direction.
I've never found parents chasing two year olds around to make them obey the least bit amusing. And yet, here I am trying to catch her in my arms before she takes out and I look like a very unamusing mommy chasing a little two year old around the house, football field, church, store, or park - where ever I may be when I ask her to do something and her immediate response to me is her little sing song-y "No" and a dash the opposite direction.
Now there is something just not right about a little girl talking sweet, looking sweet and yet running in the opposite direction in disobedience.
I've thought about how easy it is to be all sweet and smiley and on the outside. . . the inside being all wrong.
Talk about a lesson in HEART training. God isn't interested in how good and christian I can act or look -- lots of big smiles and sweet talk. He's interested -- no MORE than interested -- He actually came to save me from that type of deceptive living and birth me into new life!
Which is what I pray for my children - a salvation from outward form, salvation from outward behavior that covers up the running in the other direction in their hearts. I cannot forsake prayer.
I desire my children to behave - to say please and thank you and respect authority and all that. We require this. But seriously, what good is this outward form, this outward behavior, if their hearts are not changed, if their inward lives are not tranformed by God's power? Ultimately, it could even be a deterrent, a hinderance in knowing God, because they may think they are good, when they are not.
I don't want to raise little hypocrites. . . who grow up to be big ones. Who will rely on their good deeds, and be blinded to their deceptive sinful hearts that need a Savior. Oh, I pray no. I have asked the Lord to show me how to cry out to their hearts and not just to their heads about why we do what we do.
I am so needy for God in this parent occupation. There are a lot of books, and seminars and speakers and even well meaning people who seem to have all the "right" answers on child training and are more than willing to give them even if they've never raised children themselves!
But honestly, it all becomes overwhelming and sometimes I truly wonder if the answer is as simple as not living for myself but for God as a wife/mother, and teaching them as well, that life does not revolve around them, but God and others!
And to live what I say I believe.
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At a football game Saturday, before getting out of the car, I heard myself say, "Now, guys let's not run all over the bleachers and climb on the railings and scare every one there trying to watch the game. Let's sit still and watch the game and cheer Scott on. . . "
And then it was like a flash of lightening buzzing through my head - "WHY? but why do I tell them this? for what reason? so others will think well of us? so I won't be humiliated? so I don't have to go to the ER in the middle of the game because one of them has fallen from the bleachers?"
Okay, that last one, yes. yes, good reason to tell them this.
I was looking into the eyes of all these children and they were listening to me and what were they grasping? In essence, what was my own heart and what was I training them in? Outward formality or something more?
I thank God for the Holy Spirit who is our Helper. I sensed this little tap, tap, tap inside my heart, "Hey, Alyssa, tell them the reason behind the action. Get to the heart."
". . .Guys, you know why we don't run on the bleachers and jump around and climb on the railings? It's not because I am wanting you to make me look good as a mommy or because I am trying to make you perfect little kids, or because I don't want you to have fun. . .
It's because in the Bible God tells us to love Him and loving Him is to love others. It's the greatest commandment, remember? Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love others as yourself. . . If God is working in your heart, you will desire to love Him and to love others. Is it loving to others to be running all over the bleachers so that they cannot see the game or enjoy the game?"
"No. . ." they replied.
"Is it loving to the women in the stands who don't have many children to see boys hanging from the bleachers looking like they will fall?"
"No. . ." they replied.
"Would it show love to Scott to cheer him on and support him in his game?"
"Yes. . ."
"So why we do what we do is because we love Jesus. It's not for people, it's no for me, it's not because we want others to think we are this great, well behaved family. It's because we love Jesus, and to love Jesus is to also love others...so do you see why I say what I say? It's not just because, and it's not about me. It's about God. Everything we do should be for Him. It's about love."
I find myself, the older the children get, talking a lot about this. Explaining in a simple way that religious behavior, or good deeds, or outward formality is not what God is after. And it's not what I am after as a parent. The heart - the relationship with God - the motive. That's where it lies.
The children are very honest with me where they feel they are spiritually. I tell them honestly where I am too. I ask them for prayer from them. There are times when I am beyond knowing what to do or I am struggling with attack in my thoughts, dealing with unforgiveness, or hurt, or whatever - feeling defeated - and I just outloud tell God about it right there with them and ask for help.
I want them to know that I am willing for them to see my weaknesses and confess, yet, that when I am weak, God is strong. I want to live out for them being real, not pretending that I am any better than them, or that I have arrived. That I am growing in my relationship with the Lord, just as they are. . .
That we are all in a process - confessing one to another, forgiving each other, giving mercy and grace to one another, encouraging each other to press on - despite failure - to humble ourselves before each other and God and look to HIM for strength.
My desire to be real before God and others has motivated them to want to do the same - sometimes I am challenged by their zeal and love for God as they pour out their hearts in prayer before Him. I listen to their hearts, crying out for revival in their own lives and I am brought to tears -- because I have not been so diligent as they have to seek this.
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Moving on to another parenting topic that's been on my heart ~
It's so easy as a mom to get caught up in all the little things that we want our children to do or act like (or NOT act like). It's easy to see them as projects to perfect. But God made it that we humans react to being projects, thank goodness, because that's not how He wants us to treat people.
(another word for this kind of treatment in relationships would be "idolatry.")
Ever been treated as a "project?" I have - some people a few years back spent a lot of thought and time and words and energy into trying to change me, fix me, perfect me into their likeness and their desires for me. From this experience I learned what I do not want to be like towards people, particularly my husband and children.
And I learned that this is not how God is with us as His children.
When I catch myself treating my children like projects I remember how it felt to be treated like one. It's awful. You want to run away from that person, and for good reason.
I now see God's hand so clearly in what I experienced by being a "project" because otherwise I might not have had my eyes opened to this same area in raising my own children. Out of God's love for me and for my children, He allowed me to go through this suffering so that I might understand more about His character and strive to be like Him - otherwise I might find myself trapped in the same blindness of seeing people as projects to work on and fix, instead of to love and relate to.
(just a neat sidenote to me to see how God truly does work all things together for good! and makes beauty out of ashes! Sometimes though it takes a while to see the big picture that He sees the whole time through.)
When I am working on a project here around the house, or outdoors, I like to write a check list. I am so glad God is not like this towards me. . .
He isn't a God up there sitting with a check list:
-says all the right things at all the right times - check
-sings all the right songs (and never listens to the "wrong" ones) - check
-smiles at all the right people - check
-sits still at all the right times - check
-homeschools (and possibly even "home churches") - check
-doesn't do the typical American dating system (and maybe even has the parents pick out the spouse) - check
-eats only health foods - check
-goes to church at all right times - check
-doesn't play sports on Sunday - check
-wears all the right clothes (and never the "wrong" ones!) - check
-has a quiet time at 6am every morning for 15 minutes - check
-has more than the average 1.5 kids - check
-is "reformed" - check
-has lots of knowledge - check
-has all their children playing classical musical instruments - check
-has homebirths - check
-has no credit card debt - check
-goes on mission trips - check
-has a home business - check
-did college at home - check
And the lists people think God has for us to live by to be good christians varies from group to group or church to church.
I'm not saying these things might not be good things. (I might not be saying they all are good either!) I am not saying that as we seek the Lord and His Word that there will not be fruit in our life through our lifestyle and the decisions that we make.
God's Word does give us instruction. Sadly, His instructions are greatly added to, and sometimes subtracted from.
I do not want to treat my children as projects. They are not in my life for me to "fix" or "perfect." They are in my life for me to love them as Christ has loved me - He is so patient with me! He is so full of unconditional love and tenderness and yet He disciplines me as well - yet that discipline is actually always for my good and out of love for me - never mean or harsh. . .
I can learn so much about mothering if I just look and see how God has been with me, His child.
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I've been revisiting the question once more, as I have so many times before: "What is child training all about?"
What ultimately, boiling it all down, am I training her to know or to live?
There has been a lot that I have contemplated the last few weeks to basically find myself summing it up in this statement:
LIFE does not revolve around her. Life is not about her.
What is it I am really after as a parent?
It's their heart. The eternal. The soul. Guiding her to the truth of God's Word and laying a gospel foundation.
Not a check list. Not all this outward transformation to make me look like a good mom. It's about planting seeds and preparing a little heart to hear Jesus and to call out to Him for salvation.
I find myself once again desperate as ever for God to lead me and guide me and help me train Brighton for HIS glory.
To be very patient and very loving, yet firm and consistent - seeing her as a little girl desperate for a Savior, and not a project for my own satisfaction. Being calm and gentle yet willing to be strong and show her through the training that life is not about her, that she is not in control...
that life is about others, and about God being in control of her life.
It all starts so young - as sweet and darling as she is - she thinks life should revolve around her and she wants to be in control. We are all this way (even my most complacent children who have never even thought to reply "No" to me, have their own ways of wanting to control their lives) - we start out this way and we remain this way unless God intervenes - Transforms, rebirths and cleanses us. Saves us from ourselves.
Problem is, not only do our hearts begin so selfish and controlling, but then we get in the world and what does the world tell us? . . .
I got an advertisement in the mail two weeks ago - I cut the front off because it said this in big attractive bold letters: "LIFE REVOLVES AROUND YOU!" I kid you not, there it was straight forward - the world's message to me, to all of us, to my children.
I cut it out and put it in my desk right in the top drawer, that one I always open, because it's just so false - everytime I open my desk and see it sitting there, my mind floods with where that belief, that road would take me, WILL take me if I believe that lie. And where it has taken others who have believed that lie.
I can't tell you how much I see it, hear it out there - ya know, that everything is to be about me. How I feel. What I want. That I am in control. Life is about me. It should revolve around what I want and feel and think. This is America. This is our culture. This is what it is to be a woman. This is what we are told all over the place and a thousand times over - this is what will make us happy and fulfilled: life revolving around me.
Sadly, lots of churches aren't saying any differently. It's all about what christianity can do for ME - what can God do for ME - wealth, health and prosperity! God's wonderful plan for ME! Me, me, me. He wants ME to have all I could want. He wants ME to be happy and so if I'm not happy, well it must not be from God. . .
If we accept this ME centered "gospel" and false christianity, then I guess we must conclude that Job must not be meant to be in the Bible. Along with lots of other verses.
I remind my children, "Life's not about you. . ." Not in a mean kind of way, but a realistic type of way. But that doesn't mean a hill of beans to them if they see me living for myself - making them revolve around me - treating them as if they do live for me and spend their lives watching me manipulate or control or treat my husband like he is here for me too.
Living like the world revolves around me can look "christian" if done the "right" way. We can do good stuff, talk right, smile, go to church, have children, and all the rest of the list for: ourselves ~ For our own good, not for the good of others. For reputation. For a pat on the back. For praise and adoration from others.
How can I know if I am living out of the world's idea about life instead of God's?
-I don't have inward (or outward) peace when things don't go as I want.
-I can't get over hurt.
-I use people for my own agenda, reputation, or purposes.
-I manipulate (kindly or unkindly) for my own good.
-I get frustrated in relationships when someone doesn't act like I think they should.
-I feel sorry for myself.
-I deal with depression or discouragement on a daily basis.
-I want, and maybe even demand, that others live up to my standards and beliefs.
-I am discontent with what I have and don't have. Always want more.
-I compare myself to others.
-I can't be wrong, others are.
-I want things to happen in my time frame.
-I cut others down to lift myself up.
-I only surround myself with people who think like me.
-I shift blame.
-I do things with expectations of return from others.
-I give to get.
-I am "happiest" when everyone thinks well of me.
-I live by my feelings, not reality.
-I do "good" things with ME as the ultimate motive.
-I think my desires and dreams are what I should live for.
-I want the glory. The affirmation. The praise for what I do and my children do.
-I want my accomplishments to be known.
That's just a few signs that come to my mind and I write them out of personal experience with my own flesh.
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." Mark 8:34-35
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So marriage -
another hot topic, like parenting, I typically avoid writing on because I still see myself as newly married, inexperienced and learning: But keeping with the life revolving around me mindset, how does this affect marriage?
Is it possible to give of myself to my husband and children with no expectation of return or what's in it for me with out God transforming my heart and me being in constant relationship with Him and in His Word?
No. It's impossible.
Is it possible to be a follower of Jesus Christ and live life for myself and want it to revolve around me and my desires?
"... anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me."
Living life for ME is empty - It's dead and miserable - I don't care how the world makes it look carefree and wonderful. It is not.
I don't care how so many churches today make it somehow biblical to live my life for myself... it's not biblical.
"Accept Jesus, He has a wonderful plan for your life!"
What about this statement is anything about living for God and others? nothing.
What about that would make me trust Jesus when the tough things come in my life, cause they will come - I would be sitting there thinking, "Well the church told me if I accepted Jesus my life would be wonderful and this doesn't feel so wonderful so forget about Jesus! He doesn't love me like I love me."
A self-centered gospel - and it's led to a whole lot of folks becoming "christian" only to continue living life as if it all should revolve around them. And we wonder why the divorce rate is just as high in the church as in the world. And out of the 48% who don't divorce, 36% say they aren't happily married either.
What, after all, makes me "happily married?" When things are revolving around me and things are going my way?
"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have put to death their human nature" Gal. 5:24
What is our human nature? To sum it up: To live for ourselves.
Do I fail at living for God and others? Absolutely!
It is a constant battle. It's a war for my soul. I write about this out of daily, hourly, momentary experience with fighting my flesh throughout each and everyday of my life! Each and every morning I wake and face the reality of what tasks lie ahead of me - oh, I want to think about ME! Oh, if things just would revolve around me instead of me having to revolve around everyone else!
Now wouldn't that make me happily married and a happy mother!
Not.
As a Christian, death to self is not optional. I believe this and know this with all my heart:
"For whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life..." (John 12:25)
In Romans 12:1-2 it can be simply said: With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, as an act of worship give Him yourself as a living sacrifice, consecrated to Him and acceptable to Him. Don't let the world around you squeeze you into it's own mold (living for self) but let God remake you so that your whole attitude of mind is changed.
Our culture wars against us in this big time. What we need is a whole attitude of mind (and heart) changed if we are going to live for Jesus, and for others instead of our own interests, desires, passions, etc.
"The unalterable basis of an open heaven is a grave, and a crisis at which you come to an end of your own self-life. It is the crisis of real experiential identification with Christ in His death." (T. Sparks)
C.S Lewis said: "The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ."
Yes, it seems to me an impossible thing to do. But the impossible is possible with God. I call out to Him in prayer to make me dead to myself and alive to Him - to live a life that revolves around HIM and not me. Christ can do this, through me! That is indeed the mercies of God!
A good marriage can never take place between two people who are living for themselves - looking for life to revolve around them.
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"Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work and so much of all your "righteousness" you have to offer through good works: I want You.
I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down.
I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out.
Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: My own will shall become your's."
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This is what I am called to as a daughter of God. As a wife to Robert and as a mother to Scott, Shelton, Christian, Morgan, Caedman, Brighton, and Lakelyn. Not in drudgery or half-heartedness really wishing I could live again for me, really desiring I could do what I want to do and be swallowed up in self-life.
But with wholehearted abandonment - knowing that IN HIM, not in me, do I find true joy, true peace, true LIFE eternal.
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house.
At first, perhaps you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you know that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.
But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to?
The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself!"
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All this thinking about about dying to self has come about this past week as I have been working with Brighton. She is quite content to live for herself. She prefers it actually, at least right now. This changes not the deep love I have for her - it merely reminds me that she is a daughter of Eve as I am.
But what I know is that to live this way, to stay this way, will only lead her in a miserable life and an eternal life of death. I know it will be hard to die to self. I know it isn't "fun" and I know the world will mock every word I tell her that is opposed to having her life revolve around her.
But I love her too much to leave her in the state she is in.
To not love her would be to let her think and live as if life does revolve around her.
I could promise her a miserable life this way - a miserable, destructable marriage, and an discontented womanhood and hurtful mothering to her children - guaranteed to be controlling and manipulative.
But I care about her, and so though she may not think mommy is always so great right now as I train her in dying to self, I know that it is not optional if I really love her. This is what child training is all about.
And as I take on this task at hand, I too must die to self, because being a parent with vision is one of the most difficult things to do, ever. Or it least it is seeming that way. In fact, it's just simply more than I can do without the presence of Jesus walking me through each day, each hour, each moment.
I praise Him I am not alone - HE sustains me - and it's precious, wonderful to be in this role He has blessed me with as wife and mother. Take hold of your role, pour your heart into it - pour your heart out to God - watch and wait, for He will carry you through.
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Anyway, I find myself needing to apologetically step off some sort of soap box I suppose now.
I am was not meaning to be preachy, no, no I - I am burdened (sigh) burdened for the hearts of my children. I am just now reminded though:
"I cast all my cares upon You. I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet. For You care..."
Leeland sings a song that has been kind of my theme song the past few weeks: "Holy Spirit Have Your Way." It really sums up what I think I've been trying to get off my mind here through all these written words - and says it in a whole lot less words!
It breaks me everytime. Listen to the words - this is what gets me through each and everyday. This is why I can love my husband unconditionally. This is why I lay down my life for my man and seven children. This is why I am full of joy and peace in the midst of whatever.
(go to the bottom of the page here and turn off my blog music first before clicking on this song)
It's about more of HIM and less of me.
As I listen to this song and sing it to the Lord - over and over - crying it out to Him - OH, I cannot tell you the joy that fills my soul in the midst of my life, my day, in my moments both good and bad.
"Holy Spirit Have Your Way."
Long after the tears fall I'm still your child
I put down my defenses and lay down my pride
Love and forgiveness flow in deep and wide
So I run to you and surrender all!
[CHORUS]
As I lay down my life
And pick up my cross
What a joy it is to give my life away to you
All that I need,
All that I seek
Is You here with me
Holy Spirit have Your way in me!
In times of trouble, though trials may come
The rock of ages is standing strong
I'm fighting battles, but the war is won
So I'll run to you and surrender all
[CHORUS]
As I lay down my life
And pick up my cross
What a joy it is to give my life away to you
All that I need,
All that I seek
Is You here with me
Holy Spirit have Your way in me!
More of You and less of me, God
More of You and less of me, God
More of You and less of me, God
More of You overflowing
[CHORUS]
As I lay down my life
And pick up my cross
What a joy it is to give my life away to you
All that I need,
All that I seek
Is You here with me
Holy Spirit have Your way in me!
Holy Spirit have Your way in me!
Amen.
a. ann~ |
God is so faithful though. Where I am weak He is strong! My husband and I talk alot about what you have been writing about. It is a scary thing to be that type of parent. Thank you again for sharing and may the Lord bless your day.
Sometimes, I might not catch up with reading my subs for many weeks when things are busy, but your blog is definitely one I go back and read what I missed.
