| | There are times when I think being around children 24/7 you start to act like one too.
I had my temptation to throw myself on the floor and bawl because I didn't get my way today.
I did lie down. I did cry. I didn't want to get up and I did feel sorry for myself.
And then I remembered I was an adult, and not only that, but one who loves Jesus and wants to live like He did.
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You see, I've been wanting to have my hair done. My "dark hair" didn't last all that too long. It faded fast, and though I liked it and liked so much trying something new, my light brown and blonde came streaking through here and there and in odd places. Like underneath and on the sides. I've had quite the hair coloration going on. I would presently call it "brownish-redish-blonde-kind-of-in-places" - my natural color coming through the more I am in the sun.
I have been waiting (and saving) to go and get my hair back to normal - the sandy-blonde, brownish evenly distributed look I've always had. I knew it wasn't necessary. Not a need. Just a want. I've also put it off because well, if it was just a want, was it needed? I'm a penny pincher. And time is hard to come by for something like this.
And then scheduling it in my life... it doesn't work well. Finding someone to watch the children so I can go sit and relax in a salon, on the road to "looking better" - otherwise known as vanity? I've a martyr complex. I feel a guilt creep in when I do things for myself or spend time or money on the outward appearance. Just being honest here.
Well, beginning of this week I made the appointment. I hadn't realized how much I was looking forward to this hair appointment until, well, it didn't happen. It was obviously God not allowing it to happen because I tried everything I knew to work it out when it started unraveling. It was obviously my plan and not His.
When all resources were exhausted, I put the cell phone down and put my head on my desk. My thoughts were flying - or rather, temptations were flying:
"You never get to do anything for yourself..."
"Why does this always happen?"
"Why do I sacrifice for everyone all day long and then I plan one little time and it doesn't work out..."
"I've waited so long..."
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I lifted my head and stared out the window and let the tears fall. My first thoughts were that I was more tired than I thought. Maybe I needed to cry because I honestly pretty much never do.
I wanted to feel sorry for myself. But I will never like that feeling. Nope. It feels awful feeling sorry for myself. And it changes nothing.
I was awakened from my emotions by the emotional yell of my toddler who had obviously just been denied her way by another sibling. Wanting to be consistent with this new thing she's begun, I went in the kitchen to work with her. Instead I found myself picking her up and the two of us just went to lie down on her bed. Silence. We were both acting the same way. But I wasn't sucking my thumb. I could tell, like her, I was thinking about how I wanted what I wanted and I was sad it didn't happen that way.
I cradled her head in my arms and put my fingers through her hair. I felt sand.
"What? How could she still have sand in her hair from the beach when I've showered her many times since last week?!"
And then the thought came. How good it would have felt to have had my head in a sink this morning at the hair salon - that wonderful wash. Just sitting there, head back, someone else washing my hair and me nearly falling asleep. It's dreamy.
And then the idea came to grow up. More than that, think outside my little head and hair and get off that bed with my toddler and...
give my girls a morning at their own private hair salon right in my own little kitchen.
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I got the shampoo, conditioner, towels... set up the kitchen sink where they could lie back. We have one of those sprayer things too on the facet. I could almost feel how good it would feel just getting the "salon" ready. I put a towel under their neck and head so that when they got up I could wrap the towel around them just like it's done at the salon.
For the next hour I pampered the girls. Washing their hair in the sink, hair combed out, split ends trimmed, nails clipped and cleaned. As I sprayed their head and swished their hair around getting it all clean the feelings of selfishness seemed to wash down the drain.
Self-pity went with it. And it was replaced with a soft heart, just like the softness of their hair. The sand was no longer there in Brighton's and Morgan's long blonde hair hadn't been so clean in a long time. They were all smiles.
And so am I. If all had gone as planned, I'd be finishing up my hair appointment about now. Hopefully, I'd feel good about it. I'd be relaxed, and hopefully my hair would be back to "me." As it stands, my hair still seems mousy brownish and tossed up in a strange way in a clip.
But I'm okay with that. Really I am. Washing the girl's hair was what I needed most this morning. I needed a washing of my heart. Just that cleansing that comes from sacrificing and in turn serving with nothing coming at me in return.
I could say that I do that all day long, everyday.
But there are times when I've really looked forward to something and then it didn't work out and I've been a mope, time removing my hurt ambitions - Listening to Daniel Powter's song "Bad Day" on itunes round and round because it's sympathy to my plight. This is not actually sacrificing for the sake of serving attitude... it just seems the easy way out of disappointment by forgetfulness.
God gave me grace this morning to turn disappointment around and make the morning into something beautiful.
I think I will always remember the way it felt to wash the girl's hair in the sink just like they do in the salon. It felt better than having it done to myself.
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It brings to my mind the time that Jesus washed the disciples' feet. He did it so effortlessly. So selflessly. There was no crying first, tears of disappointment in how often they didn't seem to have hearts to believe. He didn't have to lie down and learn what not to do from a toddler that morning. It was a wellspring. It was who and what He was. . . and is.
It's who I can be. Through Him. Only.
There are many times I "wash" be-grudgingly, because I must, reluctantly, hemming and hawing so to speak. He never does. He willingly in love washed when his own feet needed the washing.
I praise God for this morning and even the missed, greatly wanted appointment. Blessed be His name. I won't always be victorious in such situations. I fail. I fall short. I feel like a good pity party sometimes. But that's not my goal. And it's not my aim - and as I grow in grace, in His strength maturing in my walk with Christ, and as I cry out to Him, I find more times, then less, that I choose the right direction: heart and mind on what is above and beyond and more fulfilling than my desires.
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Well, I've another call to washing just now as I hear Brighton has had an accident in her swimsuit outside the door here. Yep, and there is clothing to be washed, always. Aren't we glad for clothing? and wash machines! yeah!
The dishes are all washed - thank you, Scott! And so is the girl's hair. And so is my heart.
I've set my appointment once more for next week. I am holding on to it with much more open hands. In fact, feeling quite content with my multi-streaked hair with dark strands. Wow, isn't there a whole lot more to live for! haha, seems all such toddler silly now.
Praise God we can grow up. And He is so patient to let us do it over and over and over again.
Reminds me to have patience on my own children as they are growing up too.
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"When He had washed their feet and put on His outer garments and resumed His place, He said to them, "Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you..." John 13:12
a. ann~ |
| | Posted 7/17/2009 2:39 PM - 1123 Views - 64 eProps - 34 comments
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